Tag Archives: Us Weekly

Friday Funnies

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You know what I have learned from the Internet? There are a LOT of people out there that have a LOT of extra time on their hands. For example, people who write blogs about nothing really, that just go on and on and….. nevermind.

Here’s what’s funny:

1. Bic Pens for Her – A pink pen!! With a comfort grip?? I mean, WHAT took them so long? I can’t believe I’ve been writing with Pens for Him my entire life.

News about this Bic “Just for Her” pen was all over the place. This post was the funniest thing I read about it. Be sure to click on the links to the Amazon reviews at the end of this post… they’re also clever. But since I know that you’re a little bit lazy, I’ll just copy and paste the first one here to entice you…

5.0 out of 5 stars FINALLY! August 24, 2012
Someone has answered my gentle prayers and FINALLY designed a pen that I can use all month long! I use it when I’m swimming, riding a horse, walking on the beach and doing yoga. It’s comfortable, leak-proof, non-slip and it makes me feel so feminine and pretty! Since I’ve begun using these pens, men have found me more attractive and approchable. It has given me soft skin and manageable hair and it has really given me the self-esteem I needed to start a book club and flirt with the bag-boy at my local market. My drawings of kittens and ponies have improved, and now that I’m writing my last name hyphenated with the Robert Pattinson’s last name, I really believe he may some day marry me! I’m positively giddy. Those smart men in marketing have come up with a pen that my lady parts can really identify with.Where has this pen been all my life???
Was this review helpful to you?
YES, Yes it has.

2. This is funny, only because I like to think of myself as looking like her when I drink Margs. All skipping happy and in an apron, of course.

Wait, I have that same bonnet.

Lately, I find myself thinking that I’m getting a little bit sick of these your e-card things. Just because they’re, like, everywhere. And then I see another one that makes me laugh out loud.

Like this one.

3. The following quotes from my husband and kids are funny. To me, anyway. If you don’t laugh, you must be dead inside. I’m just saying.

KJ: Nibbit, let’s go outside!
The Nibbit: No. I not going outside.
KJ: Yes, you are.
The Nibbit: No, I not.
KJ: Yes, you are. Because I’m the boss.
The Nibbit: No, Mommy’s the boss.
<pause>
KJ: Well, Mommy told ME to tell YOU that it’s time to go outside.

The Loud One has been working on her birthday thank you notes for about three weeks now… it’s like pulling teeth. We had this exchange:

Me: All of your friends and cousins came to celebrate with you and brought you such awesome gifts so you need to thank them.
LO: Well, they are really awesome gifts. And I love them. But I don’t LOVE to write thank you notes.
Me: I hear ya, but it’s just one of those things you have to do.
LO: Grown-ups have some strange rules.

And JUST this afternoon, our doorbell rang and it was a guy handing out promotional materials for a local aspiring politician. I listened politely, shut the door and went back to my Us Weekly making dinner when the Loud One ran in…

LO: Who was that guy? What did he want?
Me: He is walking around trying to convince people to vote this man into office for our local government.
LO: Are you going to vote for him?
Me: I’m not sure… I have to learn more about him. I have to see if he believes in the same things that I do.
LO: Well, what if he tells you that he believes in the same things you do, but then he really doesn’t?
Me: Actually, that happens all the time, Loud One.
LO: That is totally unfair.

 

One last graphic to make you laugh:

So effing true.

 

Have a good weekend, everybody! And PLEASE share your own funny stories, quotes, whatever in the comments.

Sorry, I couldn’t resist one more.

Us Weekly Spoilers (they’re baaaaack…)

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After years of being unhealthily addicted to gossip magazines, I can proudly say that I have tamed the obsession and no longer read six different versions of the same weekly made-up Jen and Brangelina feud.

Now I just read one.

So for old time’s sake… here are some “Us Weekly” Spoilers. Although this is last week’s issue, so I doubt I’m actually spoiling anything. Also, I am seriously rusty. The sarcastic barbs don’t roll off my tongue quite as easily as they used to. This is not OK. I promise to get back in the game. (Look out “In Touch,” I’m coming for you.)

Here we go…

– After 16 1/2 months of pregnancy, Jessica Simpson finally had her baby. It’s a girl. She named her Maxwell. The kids at school are going to call her Maxi Pad and make fun of her. Mostly because of her name, but also because they’re going to watch old episodes of “The Newlyweds” and well, there’s a lot of material there that’s waaay better than “Maxi Pad.”

Side note: I would tell you more about her “First Days as a New Mom” but I couldn’t force myself past to read past the first paragraph of this article. Maybe because it started with this: “Nestled into a comfy white armchair beneath a sparkling crystal chandelier in her jewel box of a nursery…” Blah blah blah blah blah.

– Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are pretty serious. I wonder if she keeps trying to break up with him, but he keeps interrupting her “It’s not you, it’s me” speech.

– In the most dramatic rose ceremony yet, the guy who hosts “The Bachelor” is getting divorced after 18 years of marriage. It’s good to see that publicists haven’t updated their material at all after all these years. Another divorcing couple whose “love and mutual respect remain.” I have an idea then… STAY MARRIED.

– Why is the celeb column “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” always a list of “25 Things I Could Not Care Less About?” Taye Diggs failed chemistry and loves apple juice? C’mon. How about something like “Taye Diggs loves Oxycontin.” That’d be way better.

– Mark Ruffalo said, “If you’re not yelling at your kids, you’re just not spending enough time with them.” LOVE. HIM. (I’ve actually always loved him… ever since he starred in that Oscar-winning classic, “13 Going On 30.”)

– Every time I see a picture of Stacy Keibler, I can’t help but think, “Really George? Her?”

– Every time I see a picture of Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively, I can’t help but think, “Really Ryan? Not me?”

– There are so many things wrong with this:

What to the whaaat now?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

– Dear Eddie Cibrian & LeAnn Rimes, Please go away. You’re gross. xoxo, Me.

– Hey, it’s a picture of Larry Birkhead and Anne-Nicole Smith’s kid!! Hello? Oh, 2006 Us Weekly just called… it wants its cover photo back. (I know, I should send this joke back with it.)

– Guess what… Helen Hunt is still alive!

– It’s funny to me that Olivia Wilde is so famous now. I remember when she was just Mischa Barton’s lesbian lover on “The OC.” Um, I mean, I HEARD about that… it’s not like I actually watched “The OC” or anything.

– When I first saw the ad for the new reality show called, “Mrs. Eastwood & Company,” I made a joke about it being Clint’s wife. Turns out, it IS Clint’s wife. I don’t want to set feminism back a few decades or anything, but is he really allowing her to do this?

– Oh, Lea Michele is “Just Like Us” this week for … wait for it… taking out her garbage! In stilettos! (Like we don’t all do that. Puh-lease.)

– Every year we see a zillion pictures of what everyone wears to the Costume Institute Ball (or the “Met Ball”). But what actually happens there? Do people like Gwyneth Paltrow, Jessica Biel and Beyonce’ just put on an age-inappropriate outfits, walk up that steep staircase with the red carpet and then slip out a back door and go home? This is such a mystery to me.

– Does Kristen Stewart have a stylist? Just wondering.

– Matthew Fox was arrested for DWI. Ever since his hit TV show ended, that guy has seemed a little … Lost. (I know, I know… I’m sorry.)

– “Rapper Wiz Khalifa was ticketed for marijuana possession while on tour…” Oh my, this is SHOCKING. Who’s next, Willie Nelson??

* There are a lot of people in this issue of whom I’ve never heard. (People whom I have never heard of? People I don’t know? Whatever.) Most of them are either Tween Stars, from reality TV that I don’t watch (like “The Bachelor/ette” franchise or “Teen Mom”) or the very foreign world of Country Music.

  • Lisa Vanderpump (she’s a Housewife of Some City, but Not Jersey because she doesn’t have enough AWESOME)
  • Angelea Preston
  • Ariana Grande
  • Jillian Harris
  • Jake Owen & Lacey Buchanan. But the good news is, they got married! Yea for them!
  • Peyton Wright & Chris Lambton. Also married I’m sure these couples will remain in love and have a mutual respect for each other FOREVER.
  • Jenelle Evans
  • Ashton Kutcher (OK, that’s just wishful thinking.)
Also, Christina Aguilera and Adam Levine are feuding on “The Voice.” It’s probably about whose spinny chair goes faster. Melissa Gorga and Teresa Giudice are also feuding. Probably about… well, hair spray, of course.

 

Signing off with a quote,

“Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.” – Miguel Angel Ruiz

Fifty bucks says Miguel Angel Ruiz has no friends.

 

Ripped from the [Us Weekly] Headlines

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I undertook a daunting task today. I cleaned out my bag. It took a long time. I’m not sure how it ever got to this state as I’m usually a compulsive freak fairly-organized person. But just for kicks, and because I’ll probably  never be featured in the real Us Weekly, I thought I’d do a little segment called…

What’s In My Bag?

Here’s my list, with some photos below, but without the uber-expensive designer make-up.

  • One Whole Foods receipt (guess how much it was for and I’ll give you a prize hug round of applause)
  • Two tubes of Blistex Silk & Shine lip balm. Ooh yeah, baby.
  • One Kindergarten class list (has this been in my bag since September?)
  • One application for summer camp… due on March 14th
  • One Target receipt (guess how much it’s for and I’ll give you the Whole Foods receipt)
  • A bookmark that reads, “The dog is everybody’s friend.”  This one is especially odd because first of all, there is no book and second of all, I don’t really like dogs.
  • Two small Starbucks straws. (Fun fact about me! I ONLY like the small SBs straws. Even with a Venti drink, I still need a small straw. I keep a few extra on hand because it seems hard for some people to remember this fun fact about me. But NOT my husband. Nope, not talking about him.)
  • One Husky, one tiger and one sparkly, shiny gold and green stuffed frog
  • Three lollipops (two DumDum, one Tootsie)
  • One Splenda (don’t use this artificial crap… it’ll kill you, ya know)
  • One roll of Scotch tape. No dispenser. Just the roll.
  • Seven pens. Seven. Because you never know when six might run out of ink.
  • Six Magic Markers. Because you never know when that seventh pen might run out of ink. And you absolutely need to be able to draw at the diner.
  • One travel size baby powder. Great for getting sand off of wet feet. (And as substitute deodorant. Not that I’ve tried that.)
  • A grocery list on which the only items are “Pickles (spears and chips), granola, ricotta cheese” (Bon Appetit!)
  • One snack bag of semi-crushed Christmas M&Ms. (I’ve actually noticed these in there a few times, but I keep putting them back in… who can part with a bag of M&Ms?)
  • Three hair barrettes and two elastics. (Yet, I can never find one when I need one)
  • Ear mitts (you’ll see)
  • One receipt from Hands on Pottery for two ceramic puppies (Loud One) and one plate (me)
  • Two dried-up baby wipes. Clean, I hope.
  • Two pairs of junky sunglasses because my good ones are missing. Happy Dude loves to try them on. And eat them.
  • Two flower and three Diego stickers from the dentist. “Hola Baby Jaguar!” 
  • One checkbook… with no checks
  • A whole boatload of crumpled tissues. Clean, I hope.
  • Ooooh! I just found my good sunglasses… right next to the nail file. Fantastic.
  • One crushed free-sample cup from the grocery store
  • An unopened tube of hand-sanitizer. (I don’t want my kids becoming immune to that Super Germ. Or whatever.)
  • One red train (Percy?)
  • One mysterious yellow-and-black plastic thing
  • And this:

 

 

 

 

 

I’m sorry, I promise this is usually a family-friendly website.

I wasn't kidding about the sparkly frog.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

See? Ear mitts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is it just me or does this photo make you want to scrapbook?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Identify Yourself, Mysterious Yellow-and-Black Thing!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Free refills?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Still look delicious to me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PPS. This was fun. Next week, I may do a “Krissy Mac: She’s Just Like Us!” segment and show you pictures of me taking out the garbage.

PS. *Real* post coming tomorrow morning. I know you’re PSYCHED.