1. “People ask me all the time, ‘How DO you do it?'”
Why won’t you see it? Because no one asks me that. Ever.
2. “Let’s talk about flax.”
Note: Substitute any of the following for “flax:” quinoa, farro, fish oil, brown rice pasta, kale, ghee, healthy food. (FYI, I had to Google “Super Healthy Foods” to even come up with that list.)
3. “So, here’s an update on my marathon training…”
4. “OMG, I am SOOOO drunk right now!”
Although many of my written journal entries from the 90s start that way. And they’re pretty funny. (OK, I take this one back. You might see this. This weekend.)
5. “Made a killer Beef Bourguignon” last night! Kids loved it!”
6. “I’m so proud of [my kid]! She/he got straight As… again!”
Now hold on, before you get all judgy on me (not that I don’t love that about you), I’m not saying that my kids won’t get straight As, (although a look back at my old report cards makes it clear that the odds are against them) and I’m definitely not saying that if this were to happen, I wouldn’t be proud, because obvs I would.
What I’m trying to convey is that if I ever actually open a blog post with that sentence, you have my permission – nay, encouragement – to unfollow/defriend/text me “when the eff did you become so annoying?”/take me out back and shoot me/all of the above (but it would have to be in that order to have any real impact).
7. “Soooooo, you’re probably wondering who does my hair, but are too embarrassed to ask, am I right?”
8. “Ouch! My feet are killing me from the stilettos I wore last night, but soooo worth it! (winky face)”
Side note: I don’t do the winky face. Ever. I don’t have anything against it per se nor do I have a problem with people who DO use it. I just can’t bring myself to type that semi-colon instead of the colon used for a regular smiley face… which, it should be known, I resisted using for a loooooooong time. I gave in when I realized that I was losing friends because my sarcasm was going undetected in emails and text correspondence. The smiley has saved me from some of that pain, so who knows, maybe there’s still a chance for that little devilish winky and me.
While we’re on the subject, I don’t write “LOL” either. I find it more expressive, although admittedly not as time-effective, to write hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. (The number of ‘ha’s varies based on how hard I’m laughing. If it’s mildly humorous, it might get a haha. If I’m trying to be subtlety funny, I’ll use a single “ha” and if I’m saying something fairly ridiculous, ‘HA!’ gets the job done nicely. Phew, I am SO glad we’ve cleared this up. I’d hate to think that any of you are misunderstanding me! Ha.)
9. “Oh my, Bradley said the funniest thing to me last night!”
(Cooper, that is. Bradley Cooper. A girl can dream, right? Hold on, if I’m dreaming about Bradley Cooper, it’s not going to be him “saying funny things to me,” it’s going to be about him…. you know, winky face!)
10. “Hey, you know what? I totally got this whole parenting [air quotes] thing now. I’ve practiced hard, messed up a bit, but I’m good now. Mastered it. I think I’m done here.”