Tag Archives: poop

Cleanse Update: One Week

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So, Team Kombucha has officially completed Week One of the CLEAN cleanse! Woohoo!

The experience has been very interesting so far and rather than just giving you my perspective, I invited my team members to contribute their thoughts for this post. I broke it down into areas that people may be curious about. (Except the section on poop… I know you weren’t curious about that, but I just couldn’t leave it out.)

HUNGER

The general consensus is that, while some days have been harder than others, no one is struggling with hunger as much as they thought they would.

  • “I’m AMAZED at how I am not feeling hungry. Learning to recognize that I am more thirsty than hungry, and not needing to snack.”
  • “I’m surprised by how NOT hungry I’ve been. I mean, I’m hungry for each meal but not too much in between. It’s amazing how little food my body actually NEEDS vs. how much I used to eat before I started this.”
  • “I’m STARVED when a meal comes (esp. lunch) but it’s not like I’m craving food the entire time…just usually the last 20 minutes before I eat.”
  • “I am waking up feeling lighter, not bloated and hungry, but not starving.”

I agree with all of this and no one is more surprised than me. I thought for sure I’d be all, “That smoothie was great, BUT NOW I REALLY WANT A SNICKERS BAR.” And don’t get me wrong, I still think candy is delicious, but I’m just not craving sugar the way I thought I would be.

ODD SIDE EFFECTS

Several of us have experienced some strange side effects, but according to the book, they’re actually not that unusual… it’s just those damn toxins trying desperately to escape. Who knew?

  • Crazy, intense, vivid dreams (are the toxins trying to escape through our brains? WTF?)
  • Back pain
  • Hives
  • “Oh, forgot one more…my husband lovingly pointed out that my breath stinks. Awesome.” (Real nice, KO.)
  • Headaches – OH, the headaches can be killer. Caffeine-withdrawal was the main culprit in the beginning, but KJ is still suffering. No Advil allowed either. OUCH.
  • Crankiness – I’ve definitely been cranky with my kids, but it’s debatable whether that’s a cleanse side effect or not. It may have just been a day that ends in “y,” ya know?  Other team members have reported feeling “blue,” or “down” as well. In the past, I probably would have M&M’ed my way through those moods, but now, I just have to own it. Yup, I’m super-cranky, how d’ya like me now?

Sad coffee


POOP

I’m sorry. I know this blog already has enough poop talk as it is. And as much time as I’ve spent discussing KIDS and poop, I NEVER thought I’d be discussing adult bathroom behaviors. But it seems most members of Team Kombucha have suffered from some… um… issues.

  • “I never thought I would be so obsessed with my own bathroom habits.”
  • I’m constipated.
  • Me too.
  • Me too.
  • Me too.
  • Me too.
  • “So, I pooped this morning (yeah me!)”

It’s as if our bodies know that we’re taking in so little food, they want to hold onto ALL of it for dear life.

So gross, I know. I’m sorry.

Moving on…

EMOTIONAL/ENLIGHTENMENT

One of my own primary goals for cleansing is to break myself of some of the bad habits involving emotional eating – that is, separating hunger from joy (which obviously calls for cake) or sadness (which clearly calls for ice cream) or most importantly, boredom [which always calls for popcorn/corn chips/chocolate chips/chocolate bars/whatever the hell’s within arms’ reach]. I’m happy to say, so far, so good.

I have not eaten a single feeling since we started this thing!

On the other hand, our team members have all read tales of cleansers experiencing a sense of euphoria or enlightenment that comes from eating drinking mostly liquids and not starting the day with a strong cup of coffee. I’m here to tell you: we’re not quite there yet.

That’s not to say we haven’t made a LOT of progress in regards to cravings, but no one’s experienced that natural Cleanser’s High yet. (For what it’s worth, I’ve never experienced that fictional Runner’s High either. When does that happen? Like after half a mile? Ah, that explains it.)

Anyway, I can’t WAIT for the Moment of Euphoria to hit me. I’m going to throw on some of my old hippie clothes and spin around my yard with the Dead playing out of my minivan speakers.

Here’s what Team Kombucha is saying….

  • “No enlightenment yet, but all of my cravings have gone away and now food doesn’t seem to hold the same power over me as it used to.” (Hmmm, I don’t know… this seems pretty enlightened to me, actually.)
  • “And I’m still not feeling “enlightened.” :)”
  • “Oh yeah, and the enlightenment is a crock of poop.” (That’s the last of the poop talk, I promise.)
  • “No real change in energy. Definitely no euphoria. I am dreaming but I think that is a result of not having alcohol.” YES. This is definitely true. Margaritas definitely make me euphoric.

BIGGEST CHALLENGE

Hands down, the hardest part for TK has been the challenges presented with social situations. Personally, KJ and I kept our calendar pretty open for the month of September (granted, we didn’t have any invitations but I’m sure we WOULD have if no one knew we were cleansing… RIGHT, FRIENDS??) but even staying in with friends is VERY tricky.

  • “I miss the “social” aspect of food much more than the actual food. Some examples — watching football on Sunday, I really wanted to drink beer and eat chips/salsa; I want to host a “neighbor night” but those traditionally include pizza and a lot of wine — won’t be as fun if I’m only eating soup and water.” I say serve EVERYONE soup and water… let’s see who your REAL FRIENDS are.
  • “I too agree social situations are tough, I’ve turned down a few invites to dinner to avoid bad choices.”
  • “My fave thing is to go out eating/drinking and as I do not cook, my poor non-cleansing husband has had sandwiches and cereal for a week.” MMMMmmm, sandwiches and cereal… does your husband know how lucky he is?
  • “I have been fake drinking – club soda w lime posing as vodka tonics. It is not as much fun. I also licked some salt and chip residue from a bowl of chips I had out for my football-watching guys. Sad, sad, sad.” Hey, desperate times, right?
  • “My one chance to get out of this office (AKA my ‘Fortress of Solitude’) every day is usually to go and eat lunch somewhere, and because I’m bringing in lunch I don’t get to do that. (Hence it’s more EFFICIENT, but not exactly enriching to my general well-being in terms of interacting with other human beings).  There is something about going to a place, even just a deli or pizza joint for takeout, that is ‘social’ as well as the obvious going to a bar, watching football, going to a party, etc.”

So yeah, this part sucks. If you’re a friend of one of Team Kombucha’s cleansers, please be sure to invite them out sometime in October or November to make up for lost time. I PROMISE you they will drink way too much and it will be funny.
 

WEIGHT LOSS

Last but not least, I am so proud to announce that in only ONE WEEK (or ten days for the pre-cleansers), Team Kombucha has lost a total of 63 POUNDS!

63 POUNDS!! That’s an entire third grader! Or a Happy Dude! (Just kidding… but I’m almost not kidding.)

Can you believe that? NINE team members, 63 POUNDS!

Well done Lori, Scott, Erin, Amy, Michelle, KJ, Gina & Robyn!! I know it’s not really about the weight loss, but of course it kind of is, so this is just plain awesome. And thank you for all of your contributions to this blog!

Stay tuned for more updates… hopefully one that includes a EUPHORIC MOMENT.

I Googled "Euphoria" and got this. Effing Internet.

I Googled “Euphoria” and got this. Effing Internet.

Friday Funnies

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OK, so maybe the Friday Funnies aren’t going to be so much of a WEEKLY thing but more of a WHEN I REMEMBER thing. Whatever.

Just a few kids stories this week, because again – say it with me, people – kids say funny shit.

I’ve told so many people these stories already that most of you have probably already heard them, but I’m documenting them in writing for future laughs. For me. Because OK yeah, maybe I DO go back and re-read my own blog posts. What of it?

Here’s the funny stuff: 

1. Happy Dude and I were on our way to the grocery store and as usual, he was identifying all of the vehicles he could see:

Happy Dude as we drove down our street: Look Mama! Car (which sounds like ‘toe’)!
Me: Yes HD, I see that toe.
HD as we drove past a moving van: Look Mama! Van!
Me: Yes HD, I see that van.
HD as we drove past the gas station : Look Mama! Tank Truck! (which sometimes sounds like ‘ tank f***’)!
Me: Yes HD, I see that tank, um, truck.
HD as we drive past Starbucks: Look Mama! Chocolate milk!

Don’t judge. At least he didn’t say, “Look Mama! Latte!”

 

2. WARNING: Poop Alert in the next story!

Seriously, the quote is funny, but the situation is gross, so if you’re eating lunch, SKIP THIS ONE.

The Nibbit had a few poop accidents in like a three-day period last week and I was starting to lose my patience:

Me: Grimacing
The Nibbit: Are you fuwious with me?
Me: I’m not furious, but I am getting a little frustrated about these accidents. You are almost four and almost four-year-olds don’t poop in their pants.
[pause]
The Nibbit: Yeah, but three-and-a half-year olds sometimes forget.

 

3. So, I almost put this story in the Dragon post earlier in the week, but it made me laugh out loud so I saved it for today.

The Loud One is aware of this blog and the fact that I sometimes write about her. She thinks millions of people read it. I tell her that it might be slightly less than that, but I encourage her to keep dreaming big.

Now that she knows about it, she’ll often ask “Are you going to write about this?” Especially when she’s done something good…

Me: “LO, thanks for sharing your snack with Happy Dude… that was really nice.”
LO: “You’re welcome. Are you going to write about that?”

(No, that’s not the funny part.)

Because of her awareness, I now feel compelled to check in with her when I’m writing about something she may later deem … embarrassing. (As judging from the previous anecdote, I have not yet begun extending The Nibbit the same courtesy.) So prior to my writing my last post about the How to Train Your Dragon Debacle of 2012, we had this conversation:

Me: So LO, I was thinking about writing a post for the blog about the Dragon show and how you were a little nervous about the fire.
LO: Hmm… what are you going to write?
Me: Well, I’m going to write that we went to the Dragon show and that you were a little nervous about the fire.
LO: Hmm… what else are you going to write?
Me: I’m just going to tell the whole story about the day… how we went, you didn’t like the fire, we moved seats, we sat in the suite, etc.
LO: Hmm… are you going to write anything else?
Me: I’m going to also say that parents shouldn’t get annoyed at their kids for getting scared at things like that because you’re still young.
LO: And that’s all?
Me: I’ll also write that you’re awesome.
LO: OK, you can write about me. I don’t mind if millions of people read that I was scared. As long as you tell them that I’m awesome.

Done.

 

4. Last, but not least, a friend posted this card on Facebook and I loved it.

Please react the same way to this blog post. Wipe a tear, minimize the window and when your friend asks you what’s so moving, just say, “Oh, it’s just this incredible blog I’m reading by Krissy Mac… she just has such a way with poop stories.”

Thanks.

 

Now PLEASE share your own… I know you’ve got them.