Tag Archives: Monologue

Daily Monologue 2.0

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You may recall my post a few months ago about my daily monologue, here. Well, we spent last week at the Jersey Shore with the kids and, despite being exhausted and in desperate need of a post-vacation vacation, I’ve taken the time to document Daily Monologue 2.0: The Vacation Edition. (You are soooo welcome!)

It was like the Groundhog Day of Parenting down there… here’s what I said, over and over and over and over again for four days. (Was it really only four days? It felt like a helluva lot longer than that.)

No, we are not almost there.

No, we are not almost there.

No, we are not almost there.

[To self: Deep breath, you’re on vacation.]

Yes, we can go swimming today.

Yes, we can get ice cream today.

We’re getting closer! Watch the movie.

Shhhh, don’t wake Happy Dude… here’s a snack. (The arsenal of snacks I had at my disposal was seriously impressive. I was Prepared with a capital… well, yeah, you can see that.)

We’ll be there in ten minutes! (25)

We’ll be there in ten minutes! (15)

We’ll be there in ten minutes! (10!)

Stay close to me, this is a busy parking lot.

[To self: Deep breath, you’re on vacation.]

Yes, we can get ice cream today.

Lower your voices, this is a hotel.

Please don’t take your shoes off until we get to the room.

Please don’t press every button in the elevator.

One of you can press up, the other can press the floor.

One order of grilled cheese & fries, one order of chicken tenders & fries (Four days x two meals a day = Lots of the beige food group. )

Yes, we can go swimming now.

Find your bathing suit.

Yes, you need a bathing suit.

He needs a swim diaper.

Oooh, he pooped. He needs a new swim diaper.

You all need sunblock.

Close your eyes.

Stand still.

Look up.

Hold your hair back.

Turn around.

Stand still.

No, you’re not done.

Don’t rub!

[To self: Deep breath, you’re on vacation.]

Yes, we can get ice cream today.

Yes, we’re going swimming right now.

We’re almost ready.

Do you have your swim vest?

Do you have your goggles?

Don’t run in the halls.

Please lower your voices, this is a hotel.

One of you can press up, the other can press the floor.

No running by the pool!

Be careful, it’s slippery.

Be careful, it’s hot.

If you don’t stop, that lifeguard is going to yell at you. (This may or may not have been true… sue me.)

 [To self: Deep breath, you’re on vacation.]

You DO need my help.

That’s not called swimming, that’s called DROWNING.*

No, I do not want to see where all that sand went.

No, I do not want to see another dead crab.

No, I do not want you to put sand in my hair.

Yes, we can get ice cream today.

Please lower your voices… aw hell, we’re on the beach in Jersey, be as loud as you want. You can’t possibly compete.

Hey! I have an idea… how about some down time? (Never.)

Yes, we can get ice cream right now.

The stroller is for the Happy Dude.

Please get out of the stroller.

I’m glad you’re tired; maybe you’ll sleep later than 6:00am. (She won’t.)

I’m sorry your belly hurts; maybe you’ll stop eating so many French fries. (She won’t.)

No, you can’t have any more ice cream.

No, we are done swimming for the day.

No, swimming in the pool does not count as a bath.

Yes, you are all going to sleep in the same room.

IF YOU WAKE UP FIRST, DO NOT WAKE ANYONE ELSE UP. (Right, like THAT worked.)

[To self: Deep breath, you’re on vacation]

Go to sleep.

Go back to sleep.

It’s really late, go back to sleep.

Get back in your bed.

Go back to sleep.

It’s really early, go back to sleep.

No, it’s 6:15am, we cannot go swimming yet.

Yes, we can have ice cream today. Later.

Yes, later.

Yes, later.

Yes, later.

Sunblock time!

We have a love-hate relationship.

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*The Nibbit is 100% confident is his ability to swim and does not want any help whatsoever. He likes to take off his swim vest and jump in without telling anyone what he is doing. He is sure he can do it. He is sure he’ll be OK. He is a GREAT swimmer. He will tell you this again and again.

After he jumps, he will flail in the water, treading frantically and rapidly sinking until someone grabs him and pulls him up. He will then look at you with his giant, round eyes and say… “See? Told ya I could swim.”

Daily Monologue

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I tried to write a real post today, but instead I spent the day saying these things. Over and over and over again. 

Please stop.

Please go.

Please move.

Stop moving.

Can you please move a little faster?

Slow down, you’re going to get hurt.

Aw, are you hurt?

You’re OK!

Get that out of your mouth.

Get that out of your nose.

What is that in your nose?

Let’s wipe that nose.

Don’t wipe your nose on your sleeve.

Please don’t be fresh.

Please listen.

Stop yelling.

Answer me.

Wash your hands.

Brush your teeth.

Don’t use that to brush your teeth.

Where are you going?

Just go.

Hurry up.

Slow down.

Please stand still!

Do you want a snack?

No, you can’t have a snack.

You just had a snack.

What do you say?

How do you ask?

No, you can’t have candy.

No, you can’t have ice cream.

Who wants an apple?

I have to figure out what to make for dinner.

I’m trying to make dinner.

Eat your dinner.

Please don’t throw your dinner on the floor.

Be gentle.

No hitting.

No biting.

No pushing.

Get off the baby.

Please leave the baby alone.

Put that down.

Pick that up.

Please stand up.

Please sit down.

Just taste it.

Don’t put that in your mouth.

STOP. IT. RIGHT. NOW.

Good night.

Good niiiiight.

I love you more.

GO TO SLEEP.

Coming tomorrow: my thoughts on Hell on Earth pregnancy.