Tag Archives: kombucha

FINAL Cleanse Update!

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So, tonight marks the end of Team Kombucha’s 21-day CLEAN cleanse, which means I can finally go back to being the patient, kind mother I was before pre-cleanse coffee.

It’s been an interesting process that included both easy days when imbibing mostly liquids was a piece of cake spinach smoothie and days that were more difficult when I would have given my first-born – hell, ALL of my born – for an iced coffee and a muffin.

This past weekend, I asked the members of Team Kombucha a few of the questions that I’ve been hearing over the past three weeks and here are just some of their answers…

What was your favorite smoothie or new food discovered?

… We like the Chocolate Cherry Smoothie* a lot and will probably continue to drink that for breakfast most days.
… I like mango and pineapple in any of the smoothies that I make. I loved the Quinoa Flakes that I bought for breakfast during the Elimination Diet; they remind me of Cream of Wheat.
… I love the mango, pineapple, spinach smoothie and the Mango Chicken with Wild Rice* is awesome!  I know, lots of mangoes.  I am not sure I ever had a mango before this month!  I have definitely opened up and tried lots of new things and liked some of them.  Although I am pretty sure the people of Whole Foods see me coming and hide so they don’t need to help me find everything! Speaking of Whole Foods,  you’ve all seen THIS, right? You know how I don’t throw around the “LOLs,” right? Well, THIS made me L. O. freaking L. 
… Garlic Lemon Chicken* was my favorite meal.
… My favorite smoothie is the Chocolate-covered Blueberry Shake*. I’ll continue drinking this every morning.

*Recipes included at the end of this post. Because I’m SURE you’re all ready to run right out and start making this stuff.

Admit it. You've never heard of Quinoa Flakes. Who said this blog isn't educational? Because she is a LIAR.

Admit it. You’ve never heard of Quinoa Flakes. (Who said this blog isn’t educational? Because that person is a LIAR.)

What was the most surprising positive side effect (if any)?

… the weight loss!
… In the last few months, I have begun to suffer from arthritis in my fingers. It was especially bad when I first woke up in the mornings.  Since I’ve been on the cleanse, it has been completely gone. Not sure why, but I’ll be interested to see if it comes right back when this is over. This is so awesome to me. Smoothies and Quinoa Flakes CURED arthritis?!? It’s a MIRACLE!
… increased energy, lack of hunger, better mood and brighter skin.
… my skin feels/looks great and no bloating, which I love.

Please note: I personally have not experienced any increased energy levels or dewy, gorgeous skin… WTF? I blame both of these things on Happy Won’t-Let-Us Sleep Dude. 

What was the most surprising negative side effect (if any)?

… [the fact] that I haven’t had any other side effects or changes. I don’t really feel much different, no extra joy or extra energy. In fact, I often feel sleepy in the afternoons and have really missed caffeine at those times! Well, say you can say hello to your old friend, again! 
… my biggest disappointment was that I had read that it would help the dark circles under your eyes…it hasn’t done anything for mine.
… the fatigue and bloating in the first week.
… the lack of enjoyment in social situations (the glass of wine at dinner, popcorn at a movie, etc.). This week, it was just boredom. I wanted desperately to sink my teeth into anything different, something with just a little more “substance”. I would eat a raw-hide bone right now if it was allowed 😉 Let’s just clarify, as of tomorrow, raw-hide bones ARE allowed. Yippee!

What was the biggest challenge (a specific social event, cooking for your kids, etc.)?

… missing the “social” aspect of food. This was pretty much everyone’s answer. We get it, Team Kombucha, you like to party. 
… the biggest challenge came when I was on a 4-day trip with my husband and son to celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary. No shakes for breakfast or soups for dinner 😦 I stuck to the elimination diet but it was hard, I was hungrier and just off routine, which creates its own challenges.

Would you do it again??

… Not sure. I guess I’m hoping I won’t NEED to do it again — that I’ll keep good eating habits, (minimal snacking, more “real” food and much less junk/processed foods). But if I feel myself slipping back into crazy habits then I would definitely do it again because it absolutely helped me reset my compass.
… I would definitely do it again… “The Spoiled Way” (which is how I’ve been describing the fact that we are having it catered!)
… I am hoping to lose lots more weight, so another cleanse further down the line is definitely in my future.
… This is my second time doing it and I would definitely do it again. I plan to do it twice a year (Jan and June), and otherwise I’m going to just try and stick to a version of the elimination diet and avoid gluten, sugar and fried food as much as possible, and eat dairy in moderation.

My answer? Absolutely yes. But not anytime soon. 

What was your total weight loss?

… 14 lbs. Awesome.
…10 lbs. Fantastic.
…16 lbs. AH-mazing.
… 9 lbs and am actually considering wearing a bikini on vacation – that hasn’t happened in a long time! YAY! Love this. Wanted to write “You go, girl!” but realized… no.
… 12 lbs.  I switched to soup for dinner, thinking that the smoothies twice a day may have been hindering weight loss. The soup wasn’t awful, but I am so excited to give that up for food you can chew. 12 lbs… incredible!
… 7 lbs. (I had a few days of the elimination diet instead of true cleanse in the middle because of my trip so it may skew the true results just slightly) You took a vacation in the middle of the cleanse and still lost 7 lbs? Crazy.
… 15 lbs. Yahoo!
… I don’t know, somewhere between 9-11 lbs. Count me for 10. (Typical guy… not caring about the EXACT number)

I’m still waiting to hear from one team member, but just in case your math is rusty, that gives eight of the nine members of Team Kombucha a total of 93 lbs lost in just 21 days!! How freaking awesome is that??

Any additional thoughts or comments?

… By biggest take away is to make changes to what my kids eat…It’s very easy to be lazy and quick with their food.  My daughter did the elimination diet for a week and felt so much better with her stomach issues.  She went to a sleepover party this weekend and that all went out the window, but like all of us, she learned that what we eat/don’t eat can really change the way we feel! All this and your kid learned something, too? MOTHER OF THE YEAR!
… My favorite part that I will really try to stick to is eating within a 12-hour window. Yes, I agree with this… nobody wins when you eat a bag of Pirate’s Booty while watching ‘Orange is the New Black’ at 10:30pm. 
… I found it very surprising how long I could go without eating and without feeling that hungry. That said, once I ate, it was like opening the flood gates and I would just want to eat more (even after I was full). It was important to eat my lunch (or smoothie or soup) and then WALK AWAY from the table and get involved in something else.
… Having a caterer prepare the lunches and soups made it much more expensive, BUT also much easier. In fact, I am pretty sure that I would have cheated more than once if I didn’t have my lunch waiting for me.

So there you have it… straight from the [empty] mouths of Team Kombucha.

Personally, I thought this whole experience was awesome. Doing the cleanse with a team made it a lot of fun… we shared smoothie recipes, constipation complaints and funny stories like spitting out food that we put in our mouths by accident. We commiserated and celebrated; gave support and received encouragement. I would have been MUCH more likely to cheat with a bag of peanut butter M&Ms if I didn’t feel the potential guilt of letting Kombucha down.

Doing the cleanse with a spouse or roommate is also helpful. It was hard enough to cook for our kids and watch them eat… if KJ had been eating steaks and pasta for dinner every night while I sipped my soup, it would have been MUCH more difficult. Oh and also, we’d be divorced.

Thanks to all of you who supported us by offering compliments, words of encouragement or a glass of water. Now please start inviting us all out to dinner. And pay. (Just kidding.)

And now, Who Needs A Nap? ME can return to its regularly scheduled program of complaining and moaning about kids, parenting and also, how there’s no chef making me lunch, dinner or Margaritas every day. BOO.

I will see YOU tomorrow. (Well, not YOU exactly, because my coffee won't have that fancy design on the top, because who does that? I also won't have any coffee beans haphazardly spread out on my coaster. I also won't have a coaster. But yay coffee!)

Hey coffee, I will see YOU tomorrow. (Well, not YOU exactly, because my coffee won’t have that fancy design on the top, because who does that? I also won’t have any coffee beans haphazardly spread out on my coaster. I also won’t have a coaster. But yay coffee!)

RECIPES

Chocolate Cherry Smoothie

1 cup almond milk
1 cup frozen dark cherries
1-2 tbsp. unsweetened almond butter
¼ tsp. cinnamon
2 tbsp. cacao
1 tbsp. flaxseed meal or chia seeds
1 serving vanilla protein powder
Ice and Stevia to taste

Chocolate-covered Blueberry Shake

1 cup unsweetened coconut milk
1 cup purified water
2 cups fresh spinach
1 tbsp. protein powder
1 tbsp. raw cacao powder
1 tbsp. flaxseed meal
2 tbsp. unsweetened almond butter
½ cup frozen blueberries

Mango Chicken with Wild Rice

Adapted from The Healthy Foodie, serves two

¼ cup wild rice
½ cup brown basmati rice
Coconut oil
2 small boneless skinless chicken breasts, cubed
1 small onion, diced
½ mango, diced
Juice of half a lemon
1 tbsp. rice vinegar
1 tbsp coconut nectar
¼ cup fresh parsley, chopped
Salt and pepper to taste
Generous pinch hot pepper flakes

Directions: Soak the wild rice in cold water for an hour prior to cooking. Rinse wild rice and basmati rice, add to saucepan with 2 cups of water and 1⁄2 teaspoon salt. Bring to a boil then reduce heat and simmer for 50 minutes or until all water has evaporated. Meanwhile, coat a skillet with coconut oil and heat over medium-high heat. When pan is hot, add chicken, sprinkle with salt and pepper and cook for 5 minutes, then turn each piece to cook the other side. Add onion, cook for 2-3 minutes, until golden, then add mango, lemon juice, vinegar, hot pepper flakes and coconut nectar. Toss in rice and parsley. Stir and serve immediately.

 Garlic Lemon Chicken

1 lemon, quartered
5 sprigs fresh rosemary, bashed around with knife to release flavor
4 tbsp. olive oil
2 tsp. minced garlic
Pinch sea salt
Pinch fresh ground pepper
4 boneless skinless chicken breasts
3 carrots peeled and chopped into pieces
2 medium parsnips peeled and cut thin and lengthwise

Directions: In a bowl squeeze lemon juice from lemon and add ingredients in list through pepper along with squeezed lemon quarters. Slice chicken into pieces. Add to bowl and massage marinade into chicken. Marinate for 1 hour. Preheat oven to 425. Combine carrots, parsnips and chicken (along with all content of bowl) to a lightly oiled baking dish. Cook 40-45 mins.

Cleanse Update: One Week

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So, Team Kombucha has officially completed Week One of the CLEAN cleanse! Woohoo!

The experience has been very interesting so far and rather than just giving you my perspective, I invited my team members to contribute their thoughts for this post. I broke it down into areas that people may be curious about. (Except the section on poop… I know you weren’t curious about that, but I just couldn’t leave it out.)

HUNGER

The general consensus is that, while some days have been harder than others, no one is struggling with hunger as much as they thought they would.

  • “I’m AMAZED at how I am not feeling hungry. Learning to recognize that I am more thirsty than hungry, and not needing to snack.”
  • “I’m surprised by how NOT hungry I’ve been. I mean, I’m hungry for each meal but not too much in between. It’s amazing how little food my body actually NEEDS vs. how much I used to eat before I started this.”
  • “I’m STARVED when a meal comes (esp. lunch) but it’s not like I’m craving food the entire time…just usually the last 20 minutes before I eat.”
  • “I am waking up feeling lighter, not bloated and hungry, but not starving.”

I agree with all of this and no one is more surprised than me. I thought for sure I’d be all, “That smoothie was great, BUT NOW I REALLY WANT A SNICKERS BAR.” And don’t get me wrong, I still think candy is delicious, but I’m just not craving sugar the way I thought I would be.

ODD SIDE EFFECTS

Several of us have experienced some strange side effects, but according to the book, they’re actually not that unusual… it’s just those damn toxins trying desperately to escape. Who knew?

  • Crazy, intense, vivid dreams (are the toxins trying to escape through our brains? WTF?)
  • Back pain
  • Hives
  • “Oh, forgot one more…my husband lovingly pointed out that my breath stinks. Awesome.” (Real nice, KO.)
  • Headaches – OH, the headaches can be killer. Caffeine-withdrawal was the main culprit in the beginning, but KJ is still suffering. No Advil allowed either. OUCH.
  • Crankiness – I’ve definitely been cranky with my kids, but it’s debatable whether that’s a cleanse side effect or not. It may have just been a day that ends in “y,” ya know?  Other team members have reported feeling “blue,” or “down” as well. In the past, I probably would have M&M’ed my way through those moods, but now, I just have to own it. Yup, I’m super-cranky, how d’ya like me now?

Sad coffee


POOP

I’m sorry. I know this blog already has enough poop talk as it is. And as much time as I’ve spent discussing KIDS and poop, I NEVER thought I’d be discussing adult bathroom behaviors. But it seems most members of Team Kombucha have suffered from some… um… issues.

  • “I never thought I would be so obsessed with my own bathroom habits.”
  • I’m constipated.
  • Me too.
  • Me too.
  • Me too.
  • Me too.
  • “So, I pooped this morning (yeah me!)”

It’s as if our bodies know that we’re taking in so little food, they want to hold onto ALL of it for dear life.

So gross, I know. I’m sorry.

Moving on…

EMOTIONAL/ENLIGHTENMENT

One of my own primary goals for cleansing is to break myself of some of the bad habits involving emotional eating – that is, separating hunger from joy (which obviously calls for cake) or sadness (which clearly calls for ice cream) or most importantly, boredom [which always calls for popcorn/corn chips/chocolate chips/chocolate bars/whatever the hell’s within arms’ reach]. I’m happy to say, so far, so good.

I have not eaten a single feeling since we started this thing!

On the other hand, our team members have all read tales of cleansers experiencing a sense of euphoria or enlightenment that comes from eating drinking mostly liquids and not starting the day with a strong cup of coffee. I’m here to tell you: we’re not quite there yet.

That’s not to say we haven’t made a LOT of progress in regards to cravings, but no one’s experienced that natural Cleanser’s High yet. (For what it’s worth, I’ve never experienced that fictional Runner’s High either. When does that happen? Like after half a mile? Ah, that explains it.)

Anyway, I can’t WAIT for the Moment of Euphoria to hit me. I’m going to throw on some of my old hippie clothes and spin around my yard with the Dead playing out of my minivan speakers.

Here’s what Team Kombucha is saying….

  • “No enlightenment yet, but all of my cravings have gone away and now food doesn’t seem to hold the same power over me as it used to.” (Hmmm, I don’t know… this seems pretty enlightened to me, actually.)
  • “And I’m still not feeling “enlightened.” :)”
  • “Oh yeah, and the enlightenment is a crock of poop.” (That’s the last of the poop talk, I promise.)
  • “No real change in energy. Definitely no euphoria. I am dreaming but I think that is a result of not having alcohol.” YES. This is definitely true. Margaritas definitely make me euphoric.

BIGGEST CHALLENGE

Hands down, the hardest part for TK has been the challenges presented with social situations. Personally, KJ and I kept our calendar pretty open for the month of September (granted, we didn’t have any invitations but I’m sure we WOULD have if no one knew we were cleansing… RIGHT, FRIENDS??) but even staying in with friends is VERY tricky.

  • “I miss the “social” aspect of food much more than the actual food. Some examples — watching football on Sunday, I really wanted to drink beer and eat chips/salsa; I want to host a “neighbor night” but those traditionally include pizza and a lot of wine — won’t be as fun if I’m only eating soup and water.” I say serve EVERYONE soup and water… let’s see who your REAL FRIENDS are.
  • “I too agree social situations are tough, I’ve turned down a few invites to dinner to avoid bad choices.”
  • “My fave thing is to go out eating/drinking and as I do not cook, my poor non-cleansing husband has had sandwiches and cereal for a week.” MMMMmmm, sandwiches and cereal… does your husband know how lucky he is?
  • “I have been fake drinking – club soda w lime posing as vodka tonics. It is not as much fun. I also licked some salt and chip residue from a bowl of chips I had out for my football-watching guys. Sad, sad, sad.” Hey, desperate times, right?
  • “My one chance to get out of this office (AKA my ‘Fortress of Solitude’) every day is usually to go and eat lunch somewhere, and because I’m bringing in lunch I don’t get to do that. (Hence it’s more EFFICIENT, but not exactly enriching to my general well-being in terms of interacting with other human beings).  There is something about going to a place, even just a deli or pizza joint for takeout, that is ‘social’ as well as the obvious going to a bar, watching football, going to a party, etc.”

So yeah, this part sucks. If you’re a friend of one of Team Kombucha’s cleansers, please be sure to invite them out sometime in October or November to make up for lost time. I PROMISE you they will drink way too much and it will be funny.
 

WEIGHT LOSS

Last but not least, I am so proud to announce that in only ONE WEEK (or ten days for the pre-cleansers), Team Kombucha has lost a total of 63 POUNDS!

63 POUNDS!! That’s an entire third grader! Or a Happy Dude! (Just kidding… but I’m almost not kidding.)

Can you believe that? NINE team members, 63 POUNDS!

Well done Lori, Scott, Erin, Amy, Michelle, KJ, Gina & Robyn!! I know it’s not really about the weight loss, but of course it kind of is, so this is just plain awesome. And thank you for all of your contributions to this blog!

Stay tuned for more updates… hopefully one that includes a EUPHORIC MOMENT.

I Googled "Euphoria" and got this. Effing Internet.

I Googled “Euphoria” and got this. Effing Internet.

Cleanse update… and stuff

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Wow, thank you for all of the support! Who knew a cleanse could be so [what’s-a-word-for-“causes-people-to-be-very-supportive?”]

So far, it’s going really well. Some of Team Kombucha, including myself, started on Saturday and did the three-day “pre-cleanse,” which eases you into the habit of eating only “approved foods,” while not limiting the quantity of food you eat. Lots of vegetables, salad, chicken, fish and nuts. No peanut butter M&Ms or Pasta Primavera.

Note: SOME of us did just the two-day pre-cleanse with the one day of Jets tailgating in between. You know who you are. (It was KJ.)

I think the pre-cleanse was a big help. Rather than quitting all-things-deliciously-unhealthy COLD [organic, free-range] TURKEY and severely limiting your solid food intake at the same time, you drop the unhealthy crap first and then, three days later, you start sipping your meals. Smoothie for breakfast, solid meal (protein, vegs, grains), soup for dinner. Minimal snacks allowed, but not encouraged.

Day 1: Lunch

Day 1: Lunch

So, now we’re mid-Day 2 and so far, so good. I was happy to finally get started yesterday morning and haven’t had any dramatic side effects thus far.

I did completely snap at my kids this afternoon but that was only after the Loud One gave me a really hard time about doing her FIRST EVER homework assignment (it’s gonna be a loooong 11 years). And right after that, I was informed that Happy Dude had cut open his toe and had managed to stamp a bloody toe print on every single step in the staircase as well as on the only expensive rug in my house. And immediately after that, the Nibbit opened his hand in front of me and said, “What’s THIS?” and it was a dead bug so I said, “It’s a dead bug,” to which he promptly responded, “EW!” and dropped it right on the floor.

That’s when I lost it a little bit about how I’m tired of them simply DROPPING things wherever they happen to be when they’re done using/eating/wearing/playing with something. And then I snapped, “AH! I need a break!” which probably made Amanda snicker because she’s doing all the hard work today and I haven’t even been with them that much this afternoon.

And THAT’S when I realized that cranky is on the list of cleanse side effects, so maybe, JUST MAYBE, I’m not as “symptom-free” as I thought I was.

In the cleanse’s defense (although I’m not sure why I feel like I have to defend something that has taken away so much of what I love), I might be a tad cranky because Happy Dude has decided that 2:00am is the PERFECT time to rid himself of his now-inappropriate nickname.

He believes 2:00am is the perfect time to be “all done with sleeping!” and to emphasize that point by having textbook temper tantrums in the middle of the hallway when I try to take him back to bed.

He believes that “Nothin’!” is an appropriate answer to the questions, “Do you have to go potty?” and “It’s time to go back to bed now… do you want to walk or should I drag carry you?” And guess what, IT’S NOT.

This is NOT what he looks like at 2:00am. But I don't have any pictures of that.

This is NOT what he looks like at 2:00am. But I don’t have any pictures of THAT.

OK, so I MIGHT be a teeny tiny bit out-of-sorts.

Of course, it’s also… today. There’s that. What today is. What today means. What happened today, 12 years ago. How can it be 12 years already? It’s such a dark day… doesn’t everybody feel a tiny bit off?

Because we’re only two weeks into school, I’m still managing to use a weekly family calendar so that the Loud One doesn’t ask me, “Do we have any plans today?” 112 times over the course of the day. I’m sure the calendar will only last another week or two, but while the calendar hangs, the kids ask me first thing pre-coffee herbal tea, “What’s today?” and I give them the day and date.

Today, they asked, “What’s today?” and I said, “It’s Wed. September 11th,” and then I paused. They didn’t. They didn’t blink an eye. They don’t understand… yet.

I have a very dear friend who performs random acts of kindness with her kids every 9/11. The kids don’t know why yet, but she hopes that when they do, they’ll understand that kindness is just what they do on that day. I love that.

In the spirit of kindness, I’m going to apologize to my kids before they go to bed. I’m going to say that I’m sorry for being so snippy today and that – cleanse or no cleanse – I’m going to try harder tomorrow to not snap.

Then I’m going to BEG Happy Dude to stay in his bed all night.

Then I’m going to make a big cup of herbal tea.

PS. Thanks again for all of the encouragement… it really helps and it means a lot!

Time to get CLEAN!

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I bought chia seeds today.*

*Not a sentence I ever envisioned myself typing when I launched this bitchfest parenting blog. But apparently those seeds that made grass grow out of clay sheep when we were kids are now the health food du jour. Who knew?

CH-CH-CH-CHIA!

OK, so many of you noticed that I wrote this at the end of my last post:

*Stay tuned for next week’s post when I talk about embarking on a 21-day cleanse… no caffeine, no alcohol, no sugar… no laughter, no energy, no patience… it’s gonna be HILARIOUS. Not really at all.

It provoked a stronger reaction from you guys than ANY of my parenting mishaps and disasters. Which just means that I LOVE YOU. Give my kids peanut butter cookies? You don’t blink an eye. Give up coffee and wine? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR EFFING MIND, kmac????

Seriously, you’re all my favorite people.

Here’s the deal… I could write a whole separate blog about my perspective on food and diets and emotional eating and all of THAT. But the truth is, I’m saving all of my insights for when I lose a whole bunch of weight and write the book. (I’m 39% joking.)

But the bottom line is, as careful as I am to provide my kids a balanced diet, this has become the ultimate “Do as I say, not as I do” behavior in my house.

I tell them that too much sugar is not good for you and then I mindlessly eat three five waaay too many fun-size candy bars while reading Entertainment Weekly.

I tell them that healthy foods and balanced meals are important for a strong body and mind… and then I have froyo for dinner. And do I put fruit on top? Oh noooo… I don’t like fruit in my dessert. Except pie. When I have pie, I like fruit and of course, ice cream on to… DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO ME??

So, in an effort to jumpstart a healthier diet, I decided to follow the 21-day cleanse outlined in Alejandro Junger’s book, CLEAN. (Perhaps you’ve heard of it from your good friend, Gwynnie Paltrow? Or Dr. Oz?)

clean book cover

In short, the program includes two liquid meals a day (one smoothie and one soup) as well as one meal consisting of protein and veggies. There is a LOT more to it, but that’s it in a nutshell. Oh, which are also allowed. Well, not the shells… just the nuts.

What else is allowed? NOT REALLY ANYTHING. Seriously. Just think of all your favorite foods in the world. NONE of them are approved.

I kid. For the one of you out there that just thought, “Lentils are my favorite food!” you’re in good shape. Lentils are OK.

Anyway, knowing how much I dislike cooking during normal life, in which I CAN binge on Cadbury mini eggs while making lasagna, I knew it would be a challenge to make delicious meals while feeling cranky and tired, especially those first few days. So, inspired by a friend who runs a similar group in West Virginia, I approached a local caterer about preparing the meals and the soup for a discounted group rate. She loved the idea and agreed with enthusiasm. (Of course she did, SHE doesn’t actually have to give up eating anything delicious.)

I then sent out an enthusiastic and what-I-was-sure-was-an-inspiring email to a bunch of people to gauge interest in participation. Well. It must not have been as convincing as I thought because here is just a sampling of some of the responses I received:

“Not a chance. But I wish you the best of luck.”

“i love how you are going to do this. but there is no way i could live without my coffee. or more importantly wine.”

“No way in hell… but good luck!”

And my personal favorite, this one from my Dad:

“Gosh, that sounds great! Really super!! Exciting and healthy…what could be better!?!

Unfortunately, I had planned my suicide for September 10th and, after weighing both alternatives, I’ve decided to go ahead with the suicide. I was uncertain until I got to the part about “no caffeine,” but the “no alcohol” cinched the deal for me… suicide it is!

Please bring me your next good idea, too, since I am huge for pain, suffering, deprivation and self-abasement.”

Funny guy, huh?

Ultimately, I did manage to convince eight other nutcases to do this with me, including several family members, friends and KJ. (I’m pretty sure I sold KJ on the idea when I told him, “Well, you don’t HAVE to do it, but you’re not allowed to eat or drink anything in the house or in front of me for the month of Sept.” I’m also fairly certain he’ll be eating White Castle at his office desk, but whatever.)

Just to be clear, KJ ... NOT ALLOWED.

Just to be clear, KJ … NOT ALLOWED.

 

I’ve decided to call us Team Kombucha.

Hear that Lori, Scott, Amy, Michelle, Paula, Robyn, Erin and KJ? We’ve got a TEAM NAME now. This shit’s getting REAL.

For the record, Kombucha is effervescent fermentation of sweetened tea that is used as a functional food. But you probably already knew that. I’m sure my whole team was EXTREMELY relieved to see that kombucha IS allowed while on the cleanse, so PHEW.

Moving on.

Despite what you may think, the hardest part of this whole thing will not be giving up the alcohol or the sugar or even the coffee (although I suspect my absence may hurt Starbucks’ bottom line).

The most difficult part of it will be the PARENTING. Because I will be short-tempered and cranky – even MORE SO than usual, if that’s possible – and I suspect my kids will not be sympathetic to my cause.

And because, goddamn it, those kids cannot make their own meals yet! So I will still have to come into contact with pizza, mac & cheese, chicken nuggets and frozen waffles (you know, the four basic food groups).

So yeah, NOT throttling the children might be tough.

OK, so that’s basically it. It’s going to be interesting. And I think awesome. And I know really, really hard. But Team Kombucha is STRONG. And TOUGH. And also completely addicted to alcohol, caffeine and sugar, but SO SO STRONG.

In conclusion, a few quick notes:

  • We officially start with the provided food on Tuesday, but Phase I – the three-day Elimination Diet, as in eliminate all things you love from your life – begins Saturday.
  • Please avoid me in person next week. I will be cranky and I won’t be nice.
  • Please text or email me any of the following:
    • Photoshopped pictures of my head on Gisele’s body. (Really, any supermodel will do.)
    • Pictures of cats clawing at tree branches, with the words “Hang in there!”
    • Ryan Gosling gifs saying, “Hey Girl… how about you and me make an almond butter/blackberry/avocado/chia seed smoothie and sip it out of two straws?”
  • If at any point you see me and I look younger and thinner and glowier than ever before, by all means TELL ME. Feel free to also tell me even if it’s not true.

Wish us luck… you know I’ll keep you posted!

Wait, it's unclear... is CANDY allowed?

Wait, it’s unclear… is CANDY allowed?

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PS. On Sunday, I got out of bed at 6:50am and realized that we were out of coffee. Instead of taking the opportunity to try to do without, I panicked, got dressed and ran to CVS to buy some. Not boding well. Later that day, I thought I would test one of the smoothie recipes for lunch and proceeded to throw up for four hours immediately after drinking it. This is going to be AW FUL! ESOME!