I just turned on the E! Golden Globes pre-show … a few minutes late because the kids picked TONIGHT to stay up past 7:30. Geez. Don’t they know I have gowns to laugh at? Anyway, here is some of my running commentary, because what fun is it to judge alone?
Here we go…
- Oh, Giuliana Rancic had a rough year so I’m not going to say anything really, really mean about that horrific dress. I’m just going to wish her a fresh start in 2012… with a new stylist.
- Ricky Gervais is pretty much my hero. “I never mean to offend. I just happen to.” I TOTALLY get that. Only I usually mean it.
- Evan Rachel Wood is engaged to Jamie Bell? Isn’t he the 12-year old from that dancing show and isn’t she a lesbian?
- Oh make it stop… Stacy Keibler is waving like a four-year old to all of George’s friends. She looks like a little kid in a candy shop. Um, YEAH SHE DOES.
- Yup, George is still modest and charming and hot. I hope he wins for “The Descendants,” even though it made me want to kill myself.
- Wait, WHAT IS HAPPENING with Kelly Osborne’s hair?!? Is it gray? Or purple? She looks like she’s wearing that swim cap thing they put on stars before they give you the wig.
- Wow, could the girl from “Modern Family” be any more giggly? She sounds like a 14-year ol…what? She is a 14-year old girl. Starring on an Emmy-winning sitcom. I’ll shut up.
- Check your bathrooms people… Amanda Peet is wearing a shower curtain.
- Oh no! Sarah Michelle Gellar’s child got to her dress with a paintbrush!
- Ryan Seacrest: I’m prettier. Matthew Morrison: No, I’m prettier. Ryan Seacrest: No, I’m prettier.
- Everybody is FREAKING OUT that Brangelina have arrived. His hair looks greasy and she constantly looks like she’s muttering to herself, “BE the bitch. BE the bitch.”
- Seriously, I can’t deal with Kelly Osbourne’s hair.
- Oh my, what’s on Salma Hayek’s dress? Are those remnants of the Times Square ball?
- Michelle Williams and Charlize Theron – both gorgeous. Both should have rethought the headbands.
- Kate Beckinsale. I loved her in “Serendipity.” Has she done anything since then?
- Wait, are those Mila Kunis’ boobs showing? (That sound you just heard was EVERY GUY ON EARTH Googling “Mila Kunis, Boobs at the Golden Globes.”)
- OMG, Natalie Portman’s dress looks JUST LIKE Angelina’s but in pink. HEADS ARE GOING TO ROLL!
- BTW, the “Who Are You Wearing?” question is so annoying. Maybe because if anyone ever asked me that the answer would usually be, “A three-year old and a baby.”
I’m bored of the pre-show. No one is funny. The interviewers think everyone looks “Ah-maaaazing.” Note to the Hollywood Foreign Academy Press… or E!… or whomever’s in charge of this: the Red Carpet pre-show would be so much better if they just marched the celebs down the red carpet one by one for people like me to judge… without any talking.