Category Archives: Pop Culture

My PSA for Teens

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The other day, I asked my friend what she thought my next blog post should be about. Without missing a beat or hesitating for even a second, she said the following:

“You should tell all the people who don’t have kids, that they seriously really, really, really, need to think about it before having them.”

(She MAY have been having a bad day. Or she may have just been having a normal day with two young kids. Whatever.)

Anyway, she got me thinking about teenagers having unprotected sex. (Isn’t that what popped into your head?)

Are any of you readers high school teachers or administrators? I’m wondering if you guys still do that thing where you give your students a doll to take care of for a day or two in order to serve as a wake-up call about the responsibilities of having a baby? Because while I admire the effort, I kind of feel like a doll that whimpers and needs to be “changed” every few hours doesn’t REALLY do the whole parenting thing justice.

Bottom line: Fake baby does NOT equal real baby.

What they need is the TRUTH. So, I’ve prepared a short list that I think may REALLY help your cause. (You know, in addition to the fake baby.)

So, here you go:

Things You Should Know Before Having Unprotected Sex, Getting Pregnant & Having a Baby

1. YOU WILL NOT GET FAMOUS.

It will almost definitely NOT land you a cover of Us Weekly, despite what you’ve seen happen to those Teen Mom mothers train wrecks.

Side note: I assume that Teen Mom was created to offer a glimpse into how hard life can be for a teenager with a baby. BUT then I see those girls on the covers of magazines and I have to ask, how is THAT a deterrent for a teenage girl? Isn’t a magazine cover kind of the BIG DREAM for a 15-year old? Can’t you see some young girl saying, “Wait, if I have a baby, I can be on the cover of Us Weekly? Like Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez? Duh, I am SO going to do that! I take care of my little sister, like ALL the time… I can totally handle a baby! New goal: have a baby when I turn 16, get on the cover of Us Weekly, become rich and famous and date Justin Bieber. Yay me!”

So yeah, no magazine cover. Just a baby.

This will almost definitely NOT happen to you.

I repeat: this will almost definitely NOT happen to you.

 

2. THERE IS SO MUCH GROSS STUFF.

If you have a baby, you will have to touch a lot of poop. And vomit. And boogers. Not just see them, but TOUCH them. Often.

I want you to re-read that and really think about it. And visualize. It’s one thing to think about “changing diapers,” but I want you to really consider the poop. It’s green and brown and black and lumpy and more importantly, it will not just be in the diaper. It will be on their legs and your hands and sometimes on the bathroom floor and …

OK reader, I’ll stop. I’m sorry. Were you eating? I apologize. But I want these kids to know the truth. The whole disgusting truth.

 

3. YOU WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN.

Remember when you were younger and you would have sleepovers with your friends and there would always be that moment when you were on the brink of sleep but your friend would keep talking and talking and you would TRY to keep your eyes open but you just couldn’t?

Well picture yourself in that same exact moment only instead of tuning out your friend’s chatter (“And ohmigod, he said ‘hey’ to me and did that nod thing with his head, ya know? Which totally means he likes me, don’t you think? Because he wouldn’t have said ‘hey’ AND nodded like that unless he really likes me, right? RIGHT? ARE YOU ASLEEP?”) and blissfully falling asleep, you’re awakened completely and abruptly with the loudest, piercing SCREEEEAAAAAM you can possible imagine.

Now imagine that happening EVERY. HOUR. ALL. NIGHT. LONG.

For years.

 

4. KIDS CAN BE REALLY ANNOYING.

Like, more annoying than your MOM. No joke. You think it’s annoying when she nags you over and over again about things like covering most of your body with clothing or not piercing body parts that aren’t ears?

How about this: Can I have ice cream today? Can I have ice cream? Mom? Mom? Can I have ice cream? And candy? How about candy? Can I have candy on my ice cream? Candy on ice cream is so good… please can I have it? Today? Can I? CAN I? NOW???

That’s pretty much how kids sound all the time. And unlike your Mom, they wake you up in the middle of the night to annoy you more. (See #3)

 

5. IT’S FOREVER.

All of the above is permanent. The poop, the vomit, the Can I? Can I?, the exhaustion… it doesn’t go away for a really long time.

And by the time that stuff goes away, you’ll have a kid about YOUR AGE with a whole new set of issues… and I ask you, would you want to be YOUR mother?

To sum, PRACTICE SAFE SEX.

 

P.S. By the way, if you’re thinking, “Yeah, but babies and kids are so cute!” you should know, the novelty of cuteness wears off.

P.P.S. If you are a high school principal and you’d like me to format this into a nice cool-looking infographic and save it as a PDF so that you can print it out and hang it in your locker room, I can make that happen.

Live from my Couch… it’s the Red Carpet Review!

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My first question is this: what the hell did parents do on Oscar night before DVRs? Throw a bowl of Fruit Loops at their kids pre-Red Carpet and say, “Have a great night… get yourself to bed whenever you’re ready?” (Hmm… that’s actually not that different from what I did tonight.)

This is my first written Red Carpet coverage since 2007, but the masthead on this blog reads “Random Thoughts About Kids, Celebs and Margaritas.” I’m pretty sure I have the Kids and Margs covered, so I figured it was time to catch up on the celeb front.

(For those of you that don’t know, before I started speaking the truth about parenting, I wrote fearlessly and sarcastically about celebrities and their poor choices in fashion, love and life, in general. Remember when starlets never wore underwear? They made my job really easy.)

I would love to post a LIVE commentary so maybe next year, I’ll figure out to Tweet. Baby steps.

Red Carpet coverage started at like 10:00am this morning and I was too busy ignoring my kids’ whining to watch it, so I started the DVR for 5:45 pm. Just sitting down now at 7:45… so with little editing and no filter, let the judging commenting begin!

  • Ryan Seacrest is STILL doing this job? Hasn’t he outgrown this assignment yet? I have made so many jokes about him over the years that I don’t think I… wait, his hair has more product than Kraft Foods and he’s wearing more make-up than Grandma the Clown. Nope, still plenty of material there.
  • I don’t understand Kelly Osbourne’s purple hair. It’s one thing to rock crazy hair if you’re edgy and changing the color every few months… but she’s had this shade for like three years. Did her colorist die?

OK, here come the stars…

  • Jessica Chastain, I’m no fashionista but I don’t think the brightest thing about your outfit should be your hair. Boring.
  • Amy Adams looks pretty but I can’t help but think this is what an aging Big Bird looks like.
  • Who is Samantha Barks? OOOH, Eponine from Les Mis. She looks a lot better than she did in the movie.
  • Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan are going to have the most beautiful baby EVER. Or the ugliest. It’s always one or the other with good-looking couples.
  • Oh that little girl from the Beasts movie is sassy. I like her. I would like to include her name, but there is no way I would spell it right, even if I Google it.*
  • Octavia Spencer is awesome but it looks like someone spun cotton candy around her boobs.
  • Reese. Yawn. Her dress is boring. I blame newborn sleep deprivation. I also blame that for the fact that she named her kid Tennessee.
  • I just can’t get jazzed about men’s fashion. Who cares if the tie is skinny or bow? Double breasted or single? They all look the same. Harry Potter is talking and it sounds like, “Blah blah blah blah.”
  • Generally speaking, I don’t like belts on Oscar gowns. I’m talking to you, Zoe Saldana.
  • Kerry Washington and Jennifer Lawrence look fine. That is all.
  • Sally Field looks perfectly age-appropriately pretty. Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones do not. They look like their own wax figures. #repeatingjokesfrom2005
  • When can DRAMATIC BANGS go back out of style? I can’t wait much longer.
  • Wow, Charlize Theron chopped off her hair. Woah, Melissa McCarthy did NOT.
  • Ummmmm, Anne Hathaway needs a bra. Or pasties. Or whatever it is that celebs use to prevent THAT from happening. Wait, is the dress? Those are some ill-placed seams.
  • Naomi Watts’ dress = weird. Looks like a slice was just cut out.
  • Bradley Cooper has been on my laminated card for a long time (you know, the top five guys you’re allowed to cheat on your husband with should the opportunity present itself) but I do NOT dig the slicked back hair. His Mom’s big feather boa on the other hand, I love.
  • Newsflash! Jennifer Aniston is NOT wearing black! She still looks kind of boring… but at least it’s not black.
  • Nicole Kidman is not boring enough. The messy hair, the sparkly black dress… it’s just too much. Or maybe I just still dislike Nicole Kidman. She can’t win in my book. Never could, poor girl.
  • I hope Jane Fonda’s plastic surgeon gave her a STACK of business cards to hand out tonight. She looks fabulous.
  • Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are obvs the It Couple right now. They look really happy together and I love them both. But I’d like him to shave. Soon. Like before he gets on stage to accept the Best Picture Oscar.
  • Oh! There’s my future BFF Sandy. She looks fantastic… I probably would have told her that hair didn’t have to be THAT straight and that the gold purse is kind of ugly and unnecessary had we talked before she left but we’d be BFF so it would be OK.
  • Salma Hayek looks very uncomfortable in that gold metallic neck brace.
  • Kristen Stewart – on crutches. Unshowered, as per usual.

That’s it for the E! Red Carpet coverage. And it seems I forgot to DVR the 8:00 – 8:30 ABC Red Carpet coverage, but it’s show time now so let’s go see what Seth MacFarlane can do.

It’s been just like old times… I forgot how much fun it is to judge people from my couch.

Enjoy the show! #TeamArgo

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*It’s Qu’venzhane Wallis

Here’s a Quickie…

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Wait, that’s not what it sounded like.

What I MEANT to say was that I have a new, very short post list on NickMom.com.

(Regarding #5, I’m pretty sure I said Bradley Cooper, not Channing Tatum, but whatever… he’s hot, too.)

Here’s the link…

Top Nine Things I’m Actually Doing When I Tell My Kids I’m Working Online

My Grown-Up Christmas List

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You know that treacly* song called Grown-Up Christmas List where Amy Grant makes completely and totally unrealistic requests of Santa?

If you said no, you are NOT listening to enough Christmas music on the radio. Get in the holiday spirit, Goddammit.

Let me just review Ms. Grant’s wish list for you…

  • No more lives torn apart
  • Wars would never start
  • Time would heal all hearts
  • Everyone would have a friend
  • Right would always win
  • Love would never end

PUH-UH-LEASE.

Not even one of these is remotely doable. Does she think Santa is an effing Miracle Worker? Wait, I guess he kind of is. But still, don’t you think she’s putting just a TAD too much pressure on the guy?

Some might argue that Ms. Grant is a bit more selfless than I, (especially given that she is best known for her Christian pop music) but I’m just thinking of Santa here! If I had a direct line to the Big Guy, my list would be completely more reasonable.

Wait. I know where he lives. (“Santa! I KNOW HIM! <– best movie ever. If you can’t immediately identify that line, shame on you. And that’s coming from a girl who’s never seen Caddyshack.)

So with that, I present to you my own Grown-Up [Sort of] Christmas List.

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Dear Santa,

My name is Krissy Mac. Perhaps you may remember me from the Willowbrook Mall in Wayne, NJ? Well, that’s going back about [ahem] a lot of years, so I’ll forgive you if you don’t.

I know you’re a busy guy, so let’s get straight to the point. I have been very nice naughty tired this year. Please reward me with the following:

  • A FDA-approved, pediatrician-recommended sleeping pill for kids. It would preferably knock them out around 7:00pm and keep them sleeping soundly until about 7:00am, at which point they would wake up happy, but not TOO chipper because that’s really effing annoying, too.

Side note: I feel compelled to confess that the Loud One and the Nibbit have actually been sleeping later than they ever have before. (Knocking 1,000 pieces of wood.) But as luck or Murphy, would have it, the second they started sleeping past 6:00, Happy Dude decided 5:30 would be a good wake-up time for him. He was all, “I CANNOT BELIEVE I WAS MISSING OUT ON THIS GLORIOUS 90 MINUTES… WHERE IT’S STILL DARK AND MOMMY AND DADDY WALK AROUND WITH THEIR EYES MOSTLY CLOSED!” And he also decided that the best way to fall asleep at bedtime is to climb out of his crib repeatedly and scream for about 20 minutes about how he “wants to pway cars and twucks!” before passing out. Good times!

  • A Robot Babysitter (think Rosie, from The Jetsons, or Alice from The Brady Bunch)
    • Bonus points if he/she/it could also handle potty training. And make dinner. And every other meal.
  • Calorie-free Cadbury Mini Eggs
    • NOT the big, gross ones with the “crème” inside. Ew. The small, delicious ones that only come out at Christmas and Easter. If you manage to achieve this, I’d also like them to be available all year-long.
cadbury eggs

YES. THESE.

 

  • Patience. More patience. A lot more patience.
  • A Hangover-Preventing Margaritano explanation necessary, am I right?
  • More yoga pants – (Shut up Santa, I know I don’t actually “do yoga” <– air quotes)
  • A world in which people would stop pitting Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie against each other. Because that story is as tired as I am. Bah dah bum.
  • A Kardashian-free existence – what? You made Paris Hilton disappear, didn’t you?
  • A Parenting Remote Control that would allow me to do the following:
    • Pause during those awesome moments that fly by too quickly
    • Rewind immediately after the laugh-out-loud quotes
    • Fast forward through the I-can’t-believe-you-are-doing-this-here-and-now meltdowns
    • MUTE. I MUST be able to mute. I’m sure you understand.
  • OK, sure I’ll throw Peace on Earth and all that ass-kissing stuff on my list as well, if it’ll make the haters happy. But you should know that I completely understand if that’s beyond your capabilities. I’m not a total idiot.

Love your old friend,
Krissy Mac

PS. If all of this is just simply too much to ask for, please, just work on the Margarita thing. That one is REALLY. REALLY. IMPORTANT.

 

No hangover? Heaven.

No hangover? Heaven.

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*Has anyone else always thought the word treacly sounds like a descriptor for unattractive sea life? As in, “Jack caught a treacly sea urchin in his fishing net.”

Now THAT shit is treacly.

Now THAT shit is treacly.

 

Parenting Lessons: EW.com

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New post about dolphins and water-in-ears-phobia (there MUST be a real name for this…) coming soon, but in the meantime, check out this funny gallery on EW.com.

The 25 Lessons TV Parents Taught Us

 

My contributions include my personal Parenting Hall of Famers: The Huxtables, Mike & Carol Brady and of course, Ma & Pa Ingalls. (Oh and I also wrote about Roseanne & Dan.)

 

The Education of “Magic Mike”

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Remember how I told you that I would be blogging for EW.com? About how they wanted me to write 1-2 posts weekly about the intersection of pop culture and parenting? Remember how you all congratulated me and told me that it was SO AWESOME? Remember that?

Yeah, you may have noticed that in addition to being SO AWESOME, it has also been SO NOT EXACTLY HAPPENING.

Unless by “1-2 posts weekly,” you mean “one post every couple of months,” the whole thing hasn’t gone exactly as planned.

To clarify, I am writing weekly posts. They are just not – how can I put this – being published.

I think what probably happened is this: I started submitting pieces and they immediately realized that I really didn’t know how to write AT ALL and that while my stuff may be appropriate for a blog called “Who Needs A Nap -> Me,” it was not at all appropriate for a much wider audience.

The editor with whom I’m working is awesome and she assures me that it’s all good and it’s just a matter of figuring out timing and blah blah blah. Really, I hear her saying, “You’re just not as funny as we hoped you would be.”

Which is fine. Little does she know that it’s nearly impossible to offend me. Make me cry? Yes. But offend me? No.

In the meantime, I will continue to submit my sublime literary musings and let you know if any of them see the light of day.

Oh hey, here’s one now… it’s a Pulitzer-worthy piece called:

The Education of Magic Mike

 

 

 

Role Models… who needs ’em?

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So, I would just like the record to show that I have NEVER been a big Lance Armstrong fan. Anyone that dates Sheryl Crow seriously and doesn’t convince her to stop writing those cheesy songs is not OK in my book. (I’ll make an exception for Eric Clapton because he’s a bad ass. He probably ran in the other direction when he heard, “Iiiii’m gonna soak up the suuuuun.”)

Lance Armstrong also just seems like kind of a douchebag.

See? I told you.

Of course, I respect the Livestrong organization and everything it does for cancer research and providing services, but in some ways, that too feels like another extension of his over-inflated ego. “Look at me! I can ride a bike AND cure cancer!”

Needless to say, I feel vindicated. What a jackass. I didn’t even really understand what doping was until my friend Wiki told me and YIKES! That’s some hardcore cheating.

But I also feel bad because I’m sure there were a handful of little miniature cyclists all over the world that idolized Armstrong. They probably thought he was a god on wheels and aspired to be just like him.

And now, those poor Moms have to explain to their little people that sometimes these people who we admire f*** up. (Hopefully they’re a little more articulate than I am.)

The whole thing reminds me of how wary I am of my kids looking up to people like this as “role models.”

I actually started thinking about this during the summer when we were watching the Olympics. The Loud One would watch the highlights in awe and say something like “I’m going to be a gymnast/swimmer/bow-and-arrow-shooter when I grow up.”

Once we explained to her that she would have to start learning how to be a gymnast/swimmer/bow-and-arrow-shooter pretty much immediately and then practice every single day and probably not have as much time for playing with stuffed puppies and watching How to Train Your Dragon, she quickly changed her tune.

In the meantime, I started thinking about how those Olympic stars – Michael Phelps, Gabby Douglas, Kerri Walsh – have probably become role models for so many young kids. And while it’s great for our kids to respect the work ethic and determination of these athletes, I would be a little bit nervous if any of my kids started to idolize one of them in particular.

Why? Because we can put people up on a pedestal, but sometimes they fall. And that fall can be tricky to explain to a child.

The fall might be a small wobble off of the podium in which case the star can climb back on and redeem him/herself (Phelps smoking pot, maybe?) or, like in Armstrong’s case, it might be a GIANT TUMBLE, head-first into a pile of disgrace.

The same goes for musicians and actors, especially all those young, beautiful people who star on the Disney Channel shows. They work really hard and while that behavior – the work ethic, the determination – is incredibly admirable, they are human. And humans make mistakes. And in this day and age, those mistakes ALWAYS end up on YouTube.

But if my kid has the iCarly girl hanging on her wall, and iCarly screws up, then I’m the one that has to explain what “crystal meth” means.

Side note: That was a hypothetical people. As far as I know, iCarly is not a meth addict.

Look at Tiger Woods – an extreme example, for sure, but this is the exact situation I fear. Here’s a guy who was the best of the best. Kids around the world were inspired to start playing golf because of him. They watched his swing. They bought his sneakers. (They probably bought his Xbox game or something too but I don’t know anything about that stuff.)

And then he fell off the pedestal. Hard. I mean, seriously, that was a tumble of EPIC PROPORTIONS.

Another side note: He and Lance should grab a drink. Can’t you just hear that conversation?

TW: So sorry you’re going through this dude, I sort of know how you feel. Even though yours is worse.
LA: WHAT? No way dude, yours was WAY worse! You had your wife swinging golf clubs at you!
TW: Yeah, but at least I still get to play my sport. You’re not ever allowed to ride a bike again.
LA: <pause> Don’t you think Nike sucks?
TW: TOTALLY, Nike sucks BAD.

Britney Spears and her world-class meltdown is another example. How many little girls were idolizing Britney when she started hitting paparazzi with umbrellas, reportedly taking drugs, shaving her head and generally, just losing it?

There are so many examples of “role models” letting us down: Bill Clinton. Lindsey Lohan. Roger Clemens. Whitney Houston. Lawrence Taylor. Lying. Drugs. Cheating.

So, what’s a parent to do? Encourage the idol worship and pray the objects of admiration stay on the straight and narrow? I don’t think so.

I guess if the Loud One starts obsessing about some boy band star in a few years, I will just try to remind her that “stars” are just people. And should that pretty boy land in the headlines for some unseemly behavior, I’ll explain that people have problems. Sometimes they screw up. And some screw-ups are much much much much bigger than others.(I’m talking to YOU, Chris Brown. For the record, I would NOT have given you those Grammys.)

I will try to remember to teach my kids that the people truly worthy of hero-worship don’t usually shine in the spotlight. Instead, they do important stuff like defend our country and heal the sick and feed the hungry and work to save the planet… even if no one is watching.

I will try to remember to teach my kids that fame and fortune alone are not worthy goals. Celebrity, in and of itself, is not, a quality to be admired (despite what the Kardashians would like us to think). Kindness. Compassion. Bravery. Honesty. These are the traits we should appreciate and aspire to be.

(Like I said, I will TRY to remember all of this, but I’m not making any promises because sometimes I forget to make dinner or to turn off the TV after they’ve already been watching it for three hours. So I kind of want to keep expectations in check. And plus, if that boy band dude is really cute, I may just hang the poster on MY wall.)

Will they listen? Who the hell knows? Probably not.

So in the meantime, my fingers are crossed that Taylor Swift and Derek Jeter don’t fall.

 

Here’s an idea! Thank you http://www.bible.ca!