Back to School Night Review


Dear KJ,

Since you couldn’t make it to K-2 Back-to-School Night last night, I wanted to debrief you on the highlights and share some pictures of what you missed.

I started in the Nib’s room. He’s right… his teacher IS, in fact, “THE. NICEST. TEACHER. EVER.” At least, right now she is. But then again, they’re only eight days in so he hasn’t pushed her to her limits yet.

The Nib left us a letter. At least, I assume when he wrote, “Dear Famili,” he was talking to you and me. Take a look…

Version 3

Honey, does this concern you at all? (I know I don’t ever call you Honey in real life, but for some reason, it seems appropriate here. Go with it.) Let’s break this down.

Aside from the general spelling and grammatical mistakes, of which there are PLENTY, I see a few other issues here:

“can you Look at my hope and Dream.”

Does he only have one? That seems pretty non-aspirational for a 7-year old, doesn’t it?

“I Like auBut 2 GraD iS quit time”

So this answer was concerning to me. I mean, at first I thought he was saying that what he likes about second grade is “quitting time,” which would be worrisome for three reasons.

1. He sounds like factory worker from the late 50s… “It’s quittin’ time!”
2. His favorite part of the day should NOT be when school is over.
3. We ain’t raising no quitters!

OK, you’ve probably figured out by now that he means QUIET time. Do you feel better? I DON’T. You know why? Because this means our kid is a LIAR. He does NOT like to be quiet. EVER. There is no way that he likes “Qui(e)t time” and I can only assume he wrote that in attempt to suck up to his teacher.

If I had immediately read on to the next sentence, the whole quit/quiet confusion wouldn’t have happened because he immediately clarifies WHY he’s a fan of “qui(e)t time” …

“Becuse it’s rulacsig.”

DO YOU SEE THAT, BABE?? (Babe? I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s happening to me.) But I’m so happy!! He used the correct form of “IT’S!!” There are adults EVERYWHERE still effing that up and our 7-year old got it right! Sure, he misspelled 27% of the other words (sure, I needed Google to figure out that math), but he got ‘IT’S’ right!!

And he’s RIGHT, qui(e)t time IS rulacsig! (You got that last word, right?) I love qui(e)t time, too! Maybe he’s more like me than we thought!

(One quick note about his name… you don’t think he’s hiding gang symbols in that ‘A’ and ‘N,’ do you?)

OK, moving on. As instructed, I searched the room to Look at his hope and Dream.

So, there really is only one. And that one big Dream for this year is…..

Version 3

???? Where to begin. Let’s assume that says “to get better at typing.” I’m not saying that’s a BAD goal, but maybe he should be focusing on things a little bit more relevant to 2nd grade? Say, not putting capital letters in the middle of words? Or learning which direction the “q” and “p” face?

I will say, his illustration is awesome. Clearly, he’s looking to master the old-school “hunt-and-peck” method of typing, since he’s drawn only two large fingers on each hand doing all the work. He does have a nice smile on his face though, so maybe he finds tyqing very rulacsig. In which case, I guess we should support him.

The last thing to note in Nib’s class was the traditional self-portraits. You know how they do this at the beginning of each year?

(Remember how in LO’s Kindergarten class the directions CLEARLY stated, “Do NOT write your name on this! We want your parents to guess which one is you!” and then we found hers and there was her name, BIG and BOLD, right on the front? Good times.)

Well, here’s Nib’s.

Version 3

Let’s review the highlights of this piece:

  • The Trump-like orange spray tan
  • The ANGRY eyebrows
  • The, um… nose?
  • The razor-sharp shark teeth (note: scary shark teeth also appear on his best buddy T’s picture)
  • The one muscle-flexed arm (not to scale. I think.)

Go ahead, KJ, take a closer look and really soak it all in.

And just when I thought, “Oh, IT’S FINE… look how he drew those cute freckles!” I asked him about it:

Nib: Did you go to my class and see my stuff last night?
Me: Oh yes, I sure did. I really liked your self-portrait with the freckles! And T’s Dad and I liked the pointy teeth that you guys gave yourself.
Him: Oh yeah, our shark teeth! And did you see that mine are all full of cavities?

Because PLAIN shark teeth weren’t bad enough. His had to be DECAYING shark teeth.

In conclusion, by the end of year, Nib should be an excellent tyqer and our dental bills will be astronomical. Awesome.

After 30 minutes, I left Nib’s room to head to HD’s Kindergarten room… a land of rainbows and art and books and joy and play and woah, woah, woah… what’s this I see in the hallway?

HD’s class’ Hope & Dreams are posted on the bulletin board outside his room and I immediately see his:

Version 3

What on God’s Earth is this about? This is not my child. I am not raising ANY of my children to be overachieving MATH students. Did you have something to do with this? Where is the “I want to read as many books as possible!” or “I want to make a boatload of friends!” ? Hard math problems?? SERIOUSLY?


(Side note: as I head into the room, I see this on the door. HOW DID WE NOT GET HAIRCUTS BEFORE SCHOOL STARTED?!?)


KJ, I also want to share HD’s self-portrait. It’s very cute. It’s very colorful. There are no shark teeth. But I am a little concerned that the skin tone says that he’s even more color blind than we already thought he was.

Version 3


OK, so the last stop of the night was the courtyard where artwork from every student was displayed. It’s a beautiful sea of color and after some searching, in the dark, I located our boys’ pieces.

HD’s is cute:


Nib’s is… this:


Clearly, it’s another opportunity to express a goal. And it’s obvious that Nib wants to “get better” at something again… and it ISN’T typing this time. But I could NOT figure out what it was. And I tried. I really tried. But I gave in and asked him about this morning.

Let me type it out for you this way…

“I wish to Get BeDr at M-O-t-u-B-L/C a S-h-i-n.”

Got it now? Hint: It’s MORE freaking math. Another hint: the “X” border is a clue.

It says MULTIPLICATION. He, too, wants to get better at advanced math.

Where have I gone wrong? I feel like you and my brother are in some kind of parenting/uncle-ing cahoots to undermine me! Although, please take a minute to appreciate the time he took with those letters. That warms my heart.

So, that’s what you missed. All in all, I think it’s going to be a great year. Also, I wish those incredible teachers the very, very, very best of luck.


PS. Boys, someday if/when you read this, you should know that this is all a joke. I mean, I DO find the typing dream to be interesting, but hey, typing is very important. Dad and I love you and we’ll be super proud of you whether or not you learn to type, do hard math problems, spell correctly or draw human teeth. xoxox Mom

7 responses »

  1. This made me laugh out loud ten times. The math skills are only eclipsed by the artistic skills thank God. Sorry I missed it but the humidity and smog in Houston was just too much too

  2. I’m with KJ….I was laughing so hard, someone walked into my office to see what was so funny…….and please give the kid a toothbrush for heaven’s sake.

  3. That was adorable! I miss those days when my kids were little. So proud of their “stuff”. You made me laugh with their spelling of all the words especially multiplication. Couldn’t figure that one out!! Cavities!! So funny!

  4. I am really impressed with HD’s Math skills….and Declan’s correct use of contrations! This is bound to be a banner year for all!

  5. That Nib is hilarious — I’m dying over the shark teeth with cavities! Too funny!! I’m also a little hurt that you’re not “blaming” ME for HD’s math skills….It could’ve been me….

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s