Not a Real Post


I keep meaning to write a new post and then I keep NOT writing a new post because I get too busy doing other things like watching Scandal or re-re-re-re-rinsing the laundry that’s been in the washer for a couple  several  many days or researching “sleep training a three-year-old.”

I could actually write about how sleep training our three-year-old is going, but I can’t because we haven’t started yet because I’m too tired. Plus, I’m still researching it. Duh. By the way, all advice welcome.

Our goals are fairly straightforward:

  • Get kid to bed in his own bed.
  • Get kid to stay asleep in his own bed all night…
  • …without peeing in it.

This does not seem that complicated to me. But the fact that there are thousands of books written about it and a BILLION websites dedicated to sleep and kids and how much they suck at it, has taught me that perhaps it is indeed complicated. KJ thinks duct tape should be involved but I’m afraid to do that. What if we use up all of our duct tape and can’t make any more wallets?

I was also thinking about writing about effing summer camp and how figuring out how, where and when my three kids are going to do summer activities has turned into a part-time job for me, where the only benefit is the promise that they’ll all be out of the house for longer than two hours at a time this summer. I swear, quantum physics is not this complicated. (I’m not sure why I would say that. I have zero idea how complicated quantum physics is except that I’m guessing it’s very complicated because people always compare it to things they think are SUPER complicated. LIKE SLEEP TRAINING.)

Side note: Want to know something about me? I never took physics. Or calculus. Stopped at pre-calculus in high school. And I almost flunked pre-calc. My college had NO MATH REQUIREMENT back then. I’ve heard that that’s since changed which just gives me another reason to be grateful I went to college in the early 90s, along with the fact that bulky sweaters were the rage and there were NO CAMERA PHONES. And guess what else? My two lab sciences were Astrology and Psychology. WINNING! (Not so much academically, but whatever.)

Anyway, this summer scheduling is balls out nutso… three kids with three different schedules and those schedules change every week or two. It’s gonna be AWESOME. Right now, for the month of July, all three of my kids have to be at different places at 9:00am. So fingers crossed someone invents that teleporting machine thingy by then because otherwise, someone’s missing a good chunk of their morning at summer camp. Eeeny meeny miney mo.

For the record, the Loud One wants to do nothing all summer. So she claims. She doesn’t like the sound of any of the camps, classes or activities that I I’ve proposed for her including, but not limited to, art camp, sports camp, swim lessons, tennis camp, golf lessons, Girl Scout camp or farm camp. Well, we all know how “I just want to play all summer!” plays out… by 9:42 on that first Monday morning, she’ll be complaining that everyone she knows is at camp and she’s boooooooooooored.

I can just hear all you free-spirited parents yelling right now, “Let her do nothing! Kids are so over-scheduled these days! It’s summer for Pete’s sake! Let her run around outside and be free!” Please. She’s not a chicken. I don’t have the energy for you people. You don’t know my kid… she’s very loud. She needs to be kept busy. So you should DEFINITELY let your kids run free. My kid’s going to damn farm camp. She’s going to grow some arugula and watch some baby chicks hatch and she’s going to love it.

If it makes you feel any better, I have kept a few weeks open for free-range play. I have decided that I’m going to channel my early 80s parent this summer and kick the kids out the door and tell them to be back for lunch. (That is, to make me lunch.) I’m going to give them some basic rules – like don’t get in the car with strangers unless they’re offering you something really good and try to stay away from the main roads… at rush hour – but other than that, I’m going to extend the leash. I’m also going to attach a GoPro to their heads so I can watch the whole adventure unfold later in the day.

Go ahead, climb a tree! It's the 80s, what do I care?!?

Go ahead, climb a tree! It’s the 80s, what do I care?!?

Other things I want to say:

  • I love Frozen but I want to stab all of those songs in the face.

PS. I’ll admit that I did not really get that beautiful underlying message that the only person who can unfreeze my icy heart is MYSELF by performing an act of love until the Internets explained it to me. So a million bucks says my kids didn’t get that either. I’m going to ask them tomorrow who/what Ana needed to unfreeze her heart and I guarantee, one of them will say Sven.

  • It needs to be summer soon so I can start complaining about how hot it is.
  • The Nibbit went away (without the rest of us) for four days and it REALLY changed the family dynamic in the house. At one point, Happy Dude asked me, “Is the Nibbit going to live with us anymore?” very matter-of-factly. I swear, he didn’t really care what the answer was. It wasn’t any quieter with the Nibbit gone, but it was a lot calmer. Not that I think he’s the craziest one, just that I think they all bring out the super-crazies in each other, so without one, the crazy gets taken down a notch. I was going to try to tell you exactly how much it gets taken down with a fraction, but I’m not sure which fraction to use. Would it be 1/3? The crazy gets taken down by 1/3? Yeah, I think that’s how to phrase it. My brother will tell me if I’m wrong. NO MATH IN COLLEGE.
  • We’re taking a million-hour drive with the kids this summer and I’m already wondering HOW THE HELL WE’LL SURVIVE IT. I’m gonna be honest… I’m not sure we all will. I just can’t decide who will be the weakest link. (PSST… IT WILL BE ME.)
  • Spring soccer starts next week and one, it’s going to cost me a fortune. These freaking kids grow so much between seasons. Two, I expect Happy Dude to spend most of the time studying growth rates of various grass types. He’s not big on “running” per se. Or “kicking.” Or any activity that requires a modicum of coordination. But we’re always hopeful he’ll surprise us. And three, I’m trying to remember all the things I’m supposed to say to the kids (“I love watching you play!” and “You were working so hard out there!”) and all the things I’m not supposed to say (“I know you can run faster than that… I’ve seen you do it when I tell you to come and get your pajamas on!” or “Was that REALLY your best?” and “There’s no dessert for LOSERS!”). Quiet week is very hard for me.
  • We miss Amanda a lot in this house. A LOT. AAAAAA LLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTT.
  • Someday I’ll write a real blog post again. One full of meaning and insight and practical advice (which, as you know, you should NEVER follow because it’s coming from me and I don’t really know anything about anything except how to write a goddamn awesome run-on sentence) but alas, today is not that day.

Have a great weekend!


I would actually rather NOT build a stupid snowman.

I would actually rather NOT build a stupid snowman.


7 responses »

  1. Love it! Camp/ sleep training/ wet beds….. College algebra for me, thank you 90’s college! But my third grader can do fractions….Happy Spring!

  2. Holy cranky post! I feel your crankiness though. I had a lapse of judgment this summer and decided not to send my kids to one of those big organized camps like we went to as kids. Now I’m stressed beyond belief on what to do with them. I NEED them to be somewhere without me for a good part of the summer day or else we won’t make it through the first week of summer! Also, I welcome any posts u can give on night-time peeing. I haven’t had the guts to give up the pull-ups during sleep, but I may need to switch to depends soon as his butt-cheeks are coming out of the all too small pull-ups! Ugh! Now, I’m cranky….

  3. Cracking up at the whole post. Sleeping/ peeing, the whole summer camp debacle. And pre-calc in high school! Aghh the good old days. I can still picture our teacher, the runner, but of course, can’t remember his name… Damn brain! Kids have sucked the life out of it.

  4. KMac – it’s robin here (Tara’s friend with the red heads and the little girl from Anthropologie) I read this. All of it. Read it ! May it enhance your 80’s inspired summer. Best, Robin

    Sent from my iPhone


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