About last night…

Standard

So last night was a real shit show in our house and I’d like to tell you all about it.

7:00 pm: The kids and I got home from activities and a dinner out consisting of the four food groups: beige protein, beige carb, ketchup and milk. They were all hyped up and acting very silly and from the time of 7:05 to the time of 8:15 pm, I may have said all of the following things:

  • Please take the underwear off of your head.
  • Please stop taking the underwear off of your body.
  • Please brush your teeth.
  • Remember, we don’t eat the toothpaste?
  • You should brush really well, because we’re going to the dentist tomooooorrrow….
  • It’s fine to wear pajamas out of the dirty laundry basket.
  • You’re going to lose our special reading time if you don’t take the underwear off of your head.
  • Did you brush your teeth?
  • There are no sheets on your bed because you peed in your bed last night.
  • There are ALSO no sheets on your bed because you ALSO peed in your bed last night.
  • I know you feel very sorry about that. I feel very sorry, too.
  • Have you watered your hermit crabs at all lately?
  • TAKE. THE. UNDERWEAR. OFF. YOUR. HEAD. AND. BRUSH. YOUR. TEETH.

Scare tactics? CHECK. Passive guilt? CHECK. Inappropriate punishment? CHECK. Raised voice? CHECK.

OK, so finally, by 8:15, they’re all in bed. So I thought. 

8:18 pm: I came downstairs, picked up the 4,731 cars that were lying around my kitchen and family room as some sort of elaborate obstacle course, designed so that I would slip on one and fall flat on my back like a cartoon character and be too injured to take anyone to the dentist today.

8:30 pm: Once the automotive mine field was clear, I cleaned up the rest of the toys.*

*Usually toy clean-up is part of our pre-bed ritual, but sometimes it’s just easier to do it myself than deal with watching their painfully slow process.

8:40 pm: I made myself a cup of hot tea and was all set to watch the latest episode of Scandal. (Don’t judge… at least I don’t watch [what YOU were watching last night.]) As I sat down on the couch, I knocked over the cup of hot tea and it went flying. I managed to hit 18 different surface areas with one goddamn mug of tea and it took me longer to clean that up than it did the 4,731 cars.

8:55 pm: OK, Scandal… here we go… I hit play and…

8:56 pm: Happy Dude’s up. MOMMY? WHERE ARE YOU? I’M IN YOUR ROOM AND YOU’RE NOT HERE IN YOUR ROOM BUT I’M LOOKING FOR YOU BECAUSE I’M VEWY VEWY FIRSTY AND I CAN’T REACH THE DRINKS!!

Well, after the two wet beds the night before you can understand why I felt a tiny bit reluctant to offer up beverages, so I said, “You can have a tiny bit of water but then you have to try to pee.”

HD did NOT love that idea. I WANT TO HAVE ALL OF THE WATER IN A FULL CUP AND I DO NOT HAVE TO PEE.

Me: Please stop yelling. Loud One and the Nibbit are sleeping and I really would prefer you didn’t wake them up.
HD: I JUST WANT ALL THE WATER. I’M VEWY VEWY FIRSTY.

So, he drinks the water and I make him try to pee. As the pee is coming out of his body, he is still yelling, I DO NOT HAVE TO GO PEE PEE!

Aaaaand, back to bed.

I’m going to fast forward through the rest of the night because I think a general overview will give you a good sense of how the night played out. Please know that I am NOT exaggerating about what you read next.

9:45 pm: HD is up. He NEEDS ANOTHER DRINK BECAUSE I’M SO FIRSTY. (Made him pee. Again. Call me paranoid, but I was not changing sheets all night again.)

10:20 pm: HD is up. He CAN’T SWEEP IN HIS OWN BED BECAUSE ALL OF MY ANIMALS ARE GONE. (They weren’t.)

11:30 pm: After finally getting through a very unsatisfying Scandal episode, I go to sleep.

11:50 pm: HD is up because he’s NOT SWEEPY.

12:20 am: The Nibbit is up. He had a “bad dream about the bad guys coming and they wanted to get my… but I couldn’t get my… and…and…” I sympathize, give hugs, nightmares are tough, let’s think happy thoughts, blah blah blah.

12:55 am: Happy Dude is up. He NEEDS A TISSUE AND SOME JUICE.  Now I’m really starting to get pissed off. I silently bring him back to his bed as he screams I REALLY NEED A TISSUE AND JUICE! A TISSUE!! I NEEEEED A TISSSSSUUUUE! I hand him a tissue* and I tell him that I will not be tucking him again.

*For those of you thinking, “Well if she keeps giving him what he wants, he’s going to keep waking up,” I have a few things to say. First, suck it. Second, I know this is true, but I also know that, I will always give the tissue to stop the screaming. ALWAYS.  Right or wrong, in the middle of the night, I simply don’t have the patience that the proper parenting techniques require. I may not have that patience during the day either, but that’s a different post entirely.

1:20 am: I hear whimpering and crying coming from the Nibbit. I debate ignoring it but don’t want him to wake up the Loud One (irony), so I walk in there. Another bad dream, more comforting, blah blah blah BUT this time, he’s upset. I CAN’T GO BACK TO SLEEP! I’M TRYING TO TAKE A DEEP BREATH BUT I CAN’T BREATH! It’s OK, Nibbit… calm down, everything’s fine, you’re OK, you really need some sleep and I really need some sleep… and the Loud One chimes in from the top bunk, “and I REALLY need some sleep because I’m going to the dentist tomorrow!”

2:10 am: HD wanders into my room and starts saying something about his stupid needs and… I LOST IT.

Now, please know that I’m not proud of what comes next. But I lay it all out here so that so many of you can feel better about how you DIDN’T scream at your kids at 2:10am last night.

I start YELLING. At 2:30 in the morning, I am screaming, “HD, THIS IS NOT OK! YOU CANNOT KEEP WAKING ME UP! YOU’VE HAVE BEEN OUT OF YOUR BED EVERY HALF HOUR ALL NIGHT LONG AND IT HAS TO STOP! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!”

So, of course then, HE loses it…

HD <SOBBING> : “I WANT DADDY!! I WANT DADDY!”*

*Daddy’s on a business trip. Lucky, lucky Daddy is sleeping in a hotel right now.

Me <deep breath> : Daddy’s not here. TRUST ME, I wish Daddy was here, too, but he’s not. I’m sorry I yelled at you, but I’m just so tired. So why don’t we go back to sleep and we’ll call him in the morning, ok?
HD : Okaaaaaay. And maybe I can have a whole drink in the morning?
Me: Yes, that sounds like a very good plan.

4:30 am: The Nibbit: I HAVE TO GO POOP AND I NEED YOUR HELP! Great.

5:15 am: HD: I REALLY HAVE TO GO PEE PEE AND POOPY!! Awesome.

6:00am: HD: I’M DONE SWEEPING! Nooooooo!

How can that even be true? You’ve only been asleep for like 17 total minutes!

7:00am: I drag myself downstairs to find HD drinking a big cup of juice, lovingly poured by his big sister. HI MOMMY! ‘MEMBER WHEN I WAS SO FIRSTY LAST NIGHT?

Um, yeah, I ‘member.

IMG_8041

This is what he looked like all night last night. Which might explain why he was FIRSTY.

2 responses »

  1. So here is so fantastic advice: Have you tried lollipops? “If you stay in bed all night, you will get a lollipop in the morning?” Qualify it by saying, this only happens when daddy is away. It is the middle of the night, anything goes and you are solo. Plus it is the third kid, bribery with lots of candy is allowed. And of course, in the morning, you will have to give all three kids lollipops- your excuse- Daddy is away! I have GREAT parenting advice! There are no confusing messages here! What? Don’t judge:)

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