A Letter of Clarification


Dear Offspring,

It’s possible that, given my current state of caffeine-deprived and calorie-deficient, I’ve been slightly crankier than usual. But it’s for my long-term health, goddammit so I would hope you could support me here.

But noooo, instead you guys are all “Mommy, this pizza is so delicious! Mommy, why aren’t YOU having ice cream? Mommy, aren’t you tired of smoothies and soup?”

Cruel. Just cruel.

Cruel. Just cruel.


Anyway, cranky or not, there are a few things I’d like to clarify as we move on in our life together:

  • You’re NEVER going to be “done sweeping” at 2:00am. 2:00am is the middle of sweeptime. If you wake up at 2:00, you should promptly remind yourself that Mommy and Daddy are still happily sweeping and you should be as well, AT LEAST until 7:00am. 7:00am is an acceptable awake time. (Although you know we’re suckers and we’ll give the iPad at 6:00.)
  • You can have Cookie Crisp OR chocolate chip waffles. Not both. Do I look like a gigantic pushover to you? Wait, what? Cookie Crisp has less sugar than Cheerios? OK, nevermind. Mother of the Year!
  • I have brought you to the playground (you’re welcome)… but now you expect me to play with you, too? That’s why I had THREE of you. So I wouldn’t have to do that stuff.
  • Do you think crying, “I want Daddy to put me to bed!” upsets me? Because it doesn’t. I want Daddy to put you to bed as well.
  • When I say “Knock it off!” I don’t mean it literally.
  • When I say “Now!” I do.
  • Pajamas can be worn at least three times before washing. Unless you’ve peed on them. Also, please don’t pee on your pajamas.
  • Underwear and socks need to be washed after one wearing. Yes, even if you haven’t peed on them. BECAUSE I’M THE MOM AND I SAID SO.
  • Because I’m the Mom and I said so” is a perfectly acceptable answer to many questions despite what the newfangled parenting books say about respecting our kids and honest communication. And yes, despite what you think now, you will absolutely say it to your own kids someday.
  • Whenever you yell, “I wish Amanda were here!” you should know, NO ONE wishes Amanda were here more than I do. Trust me.
  • Throwing a fit when you lose a game is a surefire way to be sure no one will ever want to play games with you. Man up and shake hands.
  • On the other hand, gloating when you’re winning is equally ugly. It’s a fine line between good-natured smack talk and unsportsmanlike conduct. Keeping your mouth shut is always a safe bet. (This kind of works in life in general as well.
  • “Please put those dirty clothes in the laundry basket” means exactly what it says. Here are the things it doesn’t mean: throw the dirty clothes in the hallway outside the laundry room, throw the dirty clothes on the laundry room floor, put the dirty clothes over your head and walk around with zombie arms saying “WHERE IS THE LAUNDRY ROOM?” in a spooky voice.
  • Yes, I DO work. YOU are my work.
  • No, you cannot have “all of the shoes that light-up.”
  • Yes, it is true that carrots help you see better.
  • No, not by actually sticking them in your eyes.
  • Even when you’re telling me that I’m mean and you don’t like me, I still love you.
  • But I’d like you more if you’d stop telling me that I’m mean and you don’t like me.

Yours forever in the laundry room,


7 responses »

  1. I love when you banter with your children. It is so funny. Don’t be too cranky, enjoy them and try to “sweep” a little longer, you’ll feel better.

  2. Pingback: Resolution Review: 2013 | Who Needs a Nap?

  3. Pingback: A Letter of Clarification: REVISITED | Who Needs a Nap?

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