I bought chia seeds today.*
*Not a sentence I ever envisioned myself typing when I launched this bitchfest parenting blog. But apparently those seeds that made grass grow out of clay sheep when we were kids are now the health food du jour. Who knew?
OK, so many of you noticed that I wrote this at the end of my last post:
*Stay tuned for next week’s post when I talk about embarking on a 21-day cleanse… no caffeine, no alcohol, no sugar… no laughter, no energy, no patience… it’s gonna be HILARIOUS. Not really at all.”
It provoked a stronger reaction from you guys than ANY of my parenting mishaps and disasters. Which just means that I LOVE YOU. Give my kids peanut butter cookies? You don’t blink an eye. Give up coffee and wine? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR EFFING MIND, kmac????
Seriously, you’re all my favorite people.
Here’s the deal… I could write a whole separate blog about my perspective on food and diets and emotional eating and all of THAT. But the truth is, I’m saving all of my insights for when I lose a whole bunch of weight and write the book. (I’m 39% joking.)
But the bottom line is, as careful as I am to provide my kids a balanced diet, this has become the ultimate “Do as I say, not as I do” behavior in my house.
I tell them that too much sugar is not good for you and then I mindlessly eat three five waaay too many fun-size candy bars while reading Entertainment Weekly.
I tell them that healthy foods and balanced meals are important for a strong body and mind… and then I have froyo for dinner. And do I put fruit on top? Oh noooo… I don’t like fruit in my dessert. Except pie. When I have pie, I like fruit and of course, ice cream on to… DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO ME??
So, in an effort to jumpstart a healthier diet, I decided to follow the 21-day cleanse outlined in Alejandro Junger’s book, CLEAN. (Perhaps you’ve heard of it from your good friend, Gwynnie Paltrow? Or Dr. Oz?)
In short, the program includes two liquid meals a day (one smoothie and one soup) as well as one meal consisting of protein and veggies. There is a LOT more to it, but that’s it in a nutshell. Oh, which are also allowed. Well, not the shells… just the nuts.
What else is allowed? NOT REALLY ANYTHING. Seriously. Just think of all your favorite foods in the world. NONE of them are approved.
I kid. For the one of you out there that just thought, “Lentils are my favorite food!” you’re in good shape. Lentils are OK.
Anyway, knowing how much I dislike cooking during normal life, in which I CAN binge on Cadbury mini eggs while making lasagna, I knew it would be a challenge to make delicious meals while feeling cranky and tired, especially those first few days. So, inspired by a friend who runs a similar group in West Virginia, I approached a local caterer about preparing the meals and the soup for a discounted group rate. She loved the idea and agreed with enthusiasm. (Of course she did, SHE doesn’t actually have to give up eating anything delicious.)
I then sent out an enthusiastic and what-I-was-sure-was-an-inspiring email to a bunch of people to gauge interest in participation. Well. It must not have been as convincing as I thought because here is just a sampling of some of the responses I received:
“Not a chance. But I wish you the best of luck.”
“i love how you are going to do this. but there is no way i could live without my coffee. or more importantly wine.”
“No way in hell… but good luck!”
And my personal favorite, this one from my Dad:
“Gosh, that sounds great! Really super!! Exciting and healthy…what could be better!?!
Unfortunately, I had planned my suicide for September 10th and, after weighing both alternatives, I’ve decided to go ahead with the suicide. I was uncertain until I got to the part about “no caffeine,” but the “no alcohol” cinched the deal for me… suicide it is!
Please bring me your next good idea, too, since I am huge for pain, suffering, deprivation and self-abasement.”
Funny guy, huh?
Ultimately, I did manage to convince eight other nutcases to do this with me, including several family members, friends and KJ. (I’m pretty sure I sold KJ on the idea when I told him, “Well, you don’t HAVE to do it, but you’re not allowed to eat or drink anything in the house or in front of me for the month of Sept.” I’m also fairly certain he’ll be eating White Castle at his office desk, but whatever.)
I’ve decided to call us Team Kombucha.
Hear that Lori, Scott, Amy, Michelle, Paula, Robyn, Erin and KJ? We’ve got a TEAM NAME now. This shit’s getting REAL.
For the record, Kombucha is effervescent fermentation of sweetened tea that is used as a functional food. But you probably already knew that. I’m sure my whole team was EXTREMELY relieved to see that kombucha IS allowed while on the cleanse, so PHEW.
Despite what you may think, the hardest part of this whole thing will not be giving up the alcohol or the sugar or even the coffee (although I suspect my absence may hurt Starbucks’ bottom line).
The most difficult part of it will be the PARENTING. Because I will be short-tempered and cranky – even MORE SO than usual, if that’s possible – and I suspect my kids will not be sympathetic to my cause.
And because, goddamn it, those kids cannot make their own meals yet! So I will still have to come into contact with pizza, mac & cheese, chicken nuggets and frozen waffles (you know, the four basic food groups).
So yeah, NOT throttling the children might be tough.
OK, so that’s basically it. It’s going to be interesting. And I think awesome. And I know really, really hard. But Team Kombucha is STRONG. And TOUGH. And also completely addicted to alcohol, caffeine and sugar, but SO SO STRONG.
In conclusion, a few quick notes:
- We officially start with the provided food on Tuesday, but Phase I – the three-day Elimination Diet, as in eliminate all things you love from your life – begins Saturday.
- Please avoid me in person next week. I will be cranky and I won’t be nice.
- Please text or email me any of the following:
- Photoshopped pictures of my head on Gisele’s body. (Really, any supermodel will do.)
- Pictures of cats clawing at tree branches, with the words “Hang in there!”
- Ryan Gosling gifs saying, “Hey Girl… how about you and me make an almond butter/blackberry/avocado/chia seed smoothie and sip it out of two straws?”
- If at any point you see me and I look younger and thinner and glowier than ever before, by all means TELL ME. Feel free to also tell me even if it’s not true.
Wish us luck… you know I’ll keep you posted!
PS. On Sunday, I got out of bed at 6:50am and realized that we were out of coffee. Instead of taking the opportunity to try to do without, I panicked, got dressed and ran to CVS to buy some. Not boding well. Later that day, I thought I would test one of the smoothie recipes for lunch and proceeded to throw up for four hours immediately after drinking it. This is going to be AW FUL! ESOME!