Top 10 Things I Did Recently That I NEVER Saw Myself Doing Before I Had Kids
1. Pretended to be a puppy. And a monster. And a truck driver. And a mama gorilla. And a river.
2. Watched the same animated movie 19 times just to keep the peace. It was EPIC. (No really, it was Epic. That’s the name of the movie.)
3. Blended spinach.
4. Drank blended spinach to model healthy effing eating habits.
5. Had a serious conversation with the Nibbit about being brave and trying new things, while resolutely refusing to go zip-lining. C’mon now, not THAT brave… that’s crazy talk.
6. Snapped at a school principal over my kid’s bus being 50 minutes late arriving home. And then wondered, should I send myself to her office?
7. Sang and danced… “Yay!! You put poopy in the potty TWO times today!! Yay!!” And honestly felt the joy.
8. Mainlined coffee because as previously discussed, NOBODY SLEEPS in this house. One kid has crazy eyes.* Another one has to pee. Again. The other one’s “cozy blanket is not fitting on straight.” WTF does “my cozy blanket is not fitting on straight” even mean?? I mean, yeah, I know what it means but seriously? You’re gonna wake me up for that?
*As I am writing this, LO just popped out of her bed frantically pacing and crying, “Where’s the basket? Where did it go? WHERE’S THE BASKET?” I swear, if the words, I just put the lotion in it! come out of her mouth, I’m going to lose my shit.
9. Locked myself in the bathroom to cry over (and avoid) a boy who wants to spend TOO much time with me. That never happened in college.
10. Had fantastic conversations like this:
Nibbit: Are we ALWAYS going to be humans?
Me: Yeah, bud. Why?
Nibbit: It’s so borin’.
Me: What would you want to be?
Nibbit: A dinosaur. <implied duh>
Me: Yeah, that’d be cool.
Nibbit: <big sigh>
Me: What’s the matter?
Nibbit: Oh. I’m just so, so, so tired of being human.
Me <in my head>: Ah yes, this explains some of your behavior.
My friend’s almost 3-year old son, Cooper: Do you have boobs?
Me: Why yes, I do.
Coop: Do you have a penis?
Me: Nope, I don’t.
Coop: Oh, because Mommies don’t like penises?
Me: Um…. (thinking, should I feel sorry for your Daddy?)
Coop: Mommies like butts.
Coop’s Mom: Coop, you really need to learn the difference between LIKE and HAVE.
All of the kids, everyday: What’s for dinner?
Me, everyday: <generic easy-to-make dinner>
Them, everyday: Aw, I hate <generic easy-to-make dinner>.
Nibbit, today: Why can’t you ever make something I love… like cheeseburgers or candy?
Loud One: I think we should have birthday cake every week to celebrate every week that we’re alive.
Me: <pause> I’m actually finding it hard to object to that.
*Stay tuned for next week’s post when I talk about embarking on a 21-day cleanse… no caffeine, no alcohol, no sugar… no laughter, no energy, no patience… it’s gonna be HILARIOUS. Not really at all.