French Fries in Paradise

We’re on “vacation.” Yup, those are air quotes. I use the air quotes because while this trip has had the outward appearance of a vacation – sun, swimming, restaurants, even a few frozen cocktails – it is sorely lacking in some key vacational elements like, say, relaxation… long, uninterrupted naps on a lounge chair… trashy beach novels… and many more cocktails.Now, I can’t complain too much. Amanda is here with us, which allows us to work on a man-to-man defense as opposed to the more-exhausting zone defense. This also means that whomever gets to take Happy Dude for nap time gets a full Nibbit-free hour-and-a-half, so THAT’S awesome. (Granted, you have to take a leisurely stroll around the 9,358 acre property for him to sleep, but still.)

Aw, I’m just kidding. (Sort of.) We’re having a wonderful, leisurely, fun, restful time.*

It’s also been educational. Here are just a few of things that I’ve learned:

  • Wrestle Baby is way more intensely competitive in a hotel room than it is at home.
  • $40/per person is too much to spend on a buffet if three of the people only take one helping of mac-and-cheese and a scoop of Ben & Jerry’s. And then don’t eat the mac-and-cheese.
  • “You are what you eat” can’t possibly be true, because if it were, I would no longer have kids, I would have french fries.
  • Water slides NEVER get old. Even if they’re the same three, short water slides. Over and over and over again.
  • Fellow hotel guests do NOT like to hear your kids playing with their new remote control cars at 7:30am. I can’t say I blame them, but I don’t like hearing that shit either, so better them than me.
    • Side note: they have something here called the Speedway. For an insane amount of money, your kids can design, build and race their own remote control race car. It’s very fun and adorable. Until 3 1/2 members of your five-person family end up in tears because of the following reasons: My car won’t work! I want to win! I hate to lose again and again! I’m not good at driving this! This doesn’t feel like vacation! (One of those was me. Guess which one. Yup, I’m the 1/2.)
  • We could take Happy Dude anywhere in the world as long as we have a bag of cars and trucks with us. Literally ANYWHERE. Island, city, war-zone… wouldn’t matter.
  • Baby sharks make my kids very happy. I’m going to consider replacing Squeaky & Pip with one.
  • A lazy river makes my kids very exhausted. I’m going to consider replacing our swingset with one.
  • I’d make an excellent lifeguard.
  • The following rules will need to be implemented BEFORE we leave for our next vacation:
    • No one under the age of (Loud One’s age + 1) gets to push an elevator button or use the room key.
    • No one over the age of 4 gets to sit in a stroller until after 3pm.
    • Sunblock will be applied as often as an adult deems necessary. Any complaining will result in additional applications.
    • Ice cream will be limited to once a day. Most days. If you injure both of your siblings in the same day, no ice cream for you.
    • Our normal wake-up rules apply. Do not even think about getting out of bed if the first number on the digital clock is a five. I don’t care how excited you are for the water slides. They don’t open for another FOUR hours.
  • There are many, many, many kids in this world – or at least on this island – that are more annoying than mine. In fact, mine are pretty great. Exhausting, but great.
Signing off from Paradise… 
Our new pet. Fluffy.

Our new pet, Fluffy.

PS. FYI, by the time you read this, we’ll be home. But for future notice, you should know that we have a state-of-the-art alarm that we sometimes remember to use. We also have a house/petsitter. And two, fierce guard dogs. And two, fierce guard guinea pigs. Oh, and now a shark.

3 responses »

  1. NUTS! Thought I was golden until I go to your P.S. But in all fairness, I was only planning to steal Amanda. Since I now know that she was with you, and that you are already home, I have decided to abort my plan. Ignore the rustling in the bushes, by the way. That’s just a gopher. A really gig, Irish gopher.

  2. Pingback: Resolution Review: 2013 | Who Needs a Nap?

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