Live from my Couch… it’s the Red Carpet Review!

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My first question is this: what the hell did parents do on Oscar night before DVRs? Throw a bowl of Fruit Loops at their kids pre-Red Carpet and say, “Have a great night… get yourself to bed whenever you’re ready?” (Hmm… that’s actually not that different from what I did tonight.)

This is my first written Red Carpet coverage since 2007, but the masthead on this blog reads “Random Thoughts About Kids, Celebs and Margaritas.” I’m pretty sure I have the Kids and Margs covered, so I figured it was time to catch up on the celeb front.

(For those of you that don’t know, before I started speaking the truth about parenting, I wrote fearlessly and sarcastically about celebrities and their poor choices in fashion, love and life, in general. Remember when starlets never wore underwear? They made my job really easy.)

I would love to post a LIVE commentary so maybe next year, I’ll figure out to Tweet. Baby steps.

Red Carpet coverage started at like 10:00am this morning and I was too busy ignoring my kids’ whining to watch it, so I started the DVR for 5:45 pm. Just sitting down now at 7:45… so with little editing and no filter, let the judging commenting begin!

  • Ryan Seacrest is STILL doing this job? Hasn’t he outgrown this assignment yet? I have made so many jokes about him over the years that I don’t think I… wait, his hair has more product than Kraft Foods and he’s wearing more make-up than Grandma the Clown. Nope, still plenty of material there.
  • I don’t understand Kelly Osbourne’s purple hair. It’s one thing to rock crazy hair if you’re edgy and changing the color every few months… but she’s had this shade for like three years. Did her colorist die?

OK, here come the stars…

  • Jessica Chastain, I’m no fashionista but I don’t think the brightest thing about your outfit should be your hair. Boring.
  • Amy Adams looks pretty but I can’t help but think this is what an aging Big Bird looks like.
  • Who is Samantha Barks? OOOH, Eponine from Les Mis. She looks a lot better than she did in the movie.
  • Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan are going to have the most beautiful baby EVER. Or the ugliest. It’s always one or the other with good-looking couples.
  • Oh that little girl from the Beasts movie is sassy. I like her. I would like to include her name, but there is no way I would spell it right, even if I Google it.*
  • Octavia Spencer is awesome but it looks like someone spun cotton candy around her boobs.
  • Reese. Yawn. Her dress is boring. I blame newborn sleep deprivation. I also blame that for the fact that she named her kid Tennessee.
  • I just can’t get jazzed about men’s fashion. Who cares if the tie is skinny or bow? Double breasted or single? They all look the same. Harry Potter is talking and it sounds like, “Blah blah blah blah.”
  • Generally speaking, I don’t like belts on Oscar gowns. I’m talking to you, Zoe Saldana.
  • Kerry Washington and Jennifer Lawrence look fine. That is all.
  • Sally Field looks perfectly age-appropriately pretty. Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones do not. They look like their own wax figures. #repeatingjokesfrom2005
  • When can DRAMATIC BANGS go back out of style? I can’t wait much longer.
  • Wow, Charlize Theron chopped off her hair. Woah, Melissa McCarthy did NOT.
  • Ummmmm, Anne Hathaway needs a bra. Or pasties. Or whatever it is that celebs use to prevent THAT from happening. Wait, is the dress? Those are some ill-placed seams.
  • Naomi Watts’ dress = weird. Looks like a slice was just cut out.
  • Bradley Cooper has been on my laminated card for a long time (you know, the top five guys you’re allowed to cheat on your husband with should the opportunity present itself) but I do NOT dig the slicked back hair. His Mom’s big feather boa on the other hand, I love.
  • Newsflash! Jennifer Aniston is NOT wearing black! She still looks kind of boring… but at least it’s not black.
  • Nicole Kidman is not boring enough. The messy hair, the sparkly black dress… it’s just too much. Or maybe I just still dislike Nicole Kidman. She can’t win in my book. Never could, poor girl.
  • I hope Jane Fonda’s plastic surgeon gave her a STACK of business cards to hand out tonight. She looks fabulous.
  • Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are obvs the It Couple right now. They look really happy together and I love them both. But I’d like him to shave. Soon. Like before he gets on stage to accept the Best Picture Oscar.
  • Oh! There’s my future BFF Sandy. She looks fantastic… I probably would have told her that hair didn’t have to be THAT straight and that the gold purse is kind of ugly and unnecessary had we talked before she left but we’d be BFF so it would be OK.
  • Salma Hayek looks very uncomfortable in that gold metallic neck brace.
  • Kristen Stewart – on crutches. Unshowered, as per usual.

That’s it for the E! Red Carpet coverage. And it seems I forgot to DVR the 8:00 – 8:30 ABC Red Carpet coverage, but it’s show time now so let’s go see what Seth MacFarlane can do.

It’s been just like old times… I forgot how much fun it is to judge people from my couch.

Enjoy the show! #TeamArgo

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*It’s Qu’venzhane Wallis

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