The Top Ten Things I’ve Learned from Nemo*


*The blizzard, not the fish  #stupideststormnameever

10. Every child requires a minimum of 27 articles of clothing to play in the snow. And they reject at least six items before settling on the proper gear. Mittens need to match, hats can’t be too itchy, scarves can’t be too tight, pants can’t be too poofy, socks can’t be too short and boots can’t be, well, SO uncomfortable.*

*These are all actual complaints I heard this weekend.

It took four days to get these kids dressed.

It took four days to get these kids dressed.

9. Within 84 seconds of the winter gear being secured, at least 2/3 of the kids involved will have to go to the bathroom. (The other third will wait a few minutes and then poop in his diaper.)

8. Kids get really excited to play in the snow. They SCREAM that they want to build a snow family!! and a snow puppy!! and snow guinea pigs!! even though such an undertaking might be difficult. They PROMISE that they’re going to stay outside for longer than six minutes. They INSIST that they will not complain about the cold and the wind and the one snowflake that may touch their skin at some point.

They are LIARS.

7. My informal survey reveals that kids generally last an average of about 8-14 minutes outside before calling it quits because it is too cold/windy/snowy (duh) and deciding they would rather play Angry Birds Space on the iPad.

6. Kids have short memories. As soon as they wake up tomorrow, they’ll start asking, “When can we go outside and play in the snow?!?!”

5. Parents are generally very proud of their kids’ snowman-making abilities. I could make a three-volume coffee table book set entitled “Kids & Their Snowmen: A Retrospective” after the onslaught of photos on Facebook this weekend.

4. The #1 absolute BEST part of snowy days is the hot chocolate. But the experience is instantly ruined if you don’t have mini-marshmallows. Next time the media warns you to “STOCK UP ON EMERGENCY SUPPLIES IMMEDIATELY,” screw the bottled water and batteries and RUN – don’t walk – TO THE MINI-MARSHMALLOW AISLE.

3. Kids want to watch television ALL DAY LONG until you tell them, “YOU CAN WATCH TV ALL DAY LONG TODAY!” at which point, they completely lose interest and only want to do things like build elaborate forts and play board games that require maximum adult participation.

2. As adults, we’re supposed to appreciate these snowy days and just enjoy quality time with our kids. We’re supposed to do things like build elaborate forts, play board games, sit by the fire, read books, do arts & crafts, watch movies, eat popcorn… you know… quality time stuff. OK, that gets us to about 9:15am. What happens next??

Along those same lines, I know that when my kid is dragging his snow boots through puddles and slush and taking his own sweet time as we try to get from one place to the next I’m supposed to admire the way his young eyes view the world and slow down to stop and appreciate the wonder of nature and blah blah blah. You know what? Screw that. HURRY UP.

1. 6:00 pm is a PERFECTLY acceptable bedtime after a day of being stuck at home… especially if your day included an arduous 12 minutes of playing in the snow. It’s OK – nay, encouraged – to adjust your kids’ clocks accordingly to avoid any confusion.

Please note: Happy Hour and bedtime are two completely separate entities and one needs not wait for one to begin the other.  DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE MEASURES, PEOPLE. Don’t be a hero.


God help us, there's another one tomorrow.

God help us, there’s another one tomorrow.

2 responses »

  1. I don’t remind you of this very often, BUT, some things never change! With the exception of the diaper part, these same scenes were lived in long ago Montville around 40 years ago (you were toilet-trained at 6 months).

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