Why I Can’t Write About Sleep


I’m working on a post about SLEEP but I’ve been so tired the past couple of days that I haven’t been able to put a cohesive paragraph together.* I’m no Alanis Morrisette, but I’m pretty sure that’s IRONY.

*(If you’re thinking “When does she ever put cohesive paragraphs together?” I’m pretty sure you’re not alone.)

So, while I struggle with that sleep post, I thought I’d give you a quick run of why I’m too tired to write it.

This is me trying to write the post about sleep. (Minus that headset-thingy... I don't have that.)

This is me trying to write the post about sleep. (Minus that headset-thingy… I don’t have that.)

Last night, 7:15 pm: All three kids are asleep. KJ’s away in Vegas on a conference (do they really hold “conferences” in Vegas or was I just a big sucker to believe that?).

8:15 pm: The Loud One appears crying because her mouth hurts.

Me: What do you mean, “your mouth hurts?”
LO <through tears>: Well, I was just sleeping when all of a sudden my brain woke me up to tell me that my mouth is really hurting. I think it’s my teeth.
Me: Hmmm… that’s a little strange because nothing was bothering you when you went to bed. Let me take a look. Quickly peek. Nope, I don’t see anything. Why don’t you go back to sleep – Mom Cliché Alert!it will feel better in the morning.

While tucking her back into the top bunk (she sleeps in the Nibbit’s room top bunk every night… in fact, she spends so little time in her room, we could probably turn it into a meditation room and she would never notice), the Nibbit wakes up and says, “You woke me up. Now I’m never going to sweep again!” <and immediately, he fall back asweep>

10:45 pm: Happy Dude starts yelling, “MAMA! MAAAMAAA! I need some wawa!” This water thing is new for him. I’ve learned that the fastest way to get him back to sleep is to give him six drops of water and say, “Ah, that’s better right? OK, na’night!”

2:00 am: Happy Dude again. This one’s a little trickier. Instead of water, he is requesting “Lightning and Mater! I want Lightning and Mater! And Mack and Red and Sarge and the Sheriff and Big Rig Gray!”

Me: HD, it’s the middle of the night. We’ll watch Cars tomorrow. You need to go back to sleep.
HD: No. Watch Cars now.
Me: Not now. In the morning. Would you like me to sing one song?
HD: No. I want Cars. Cars TWO. Finn McMissile, pwease.
Me: Sorry dude, I’ll tuck you in but we’re not watching Cars. Do you want me to tuck you in or should I leave?
HD: Um, I have wawa?
Me: No.
HD: Okaaaaaay.

3:45am: The Loud One runs in, whining, “My mouth REALLY hurts! It keeps waking me up!” Now I’m taking her a little bit more seriously because clearly, even SHE would rather be sleeping than whining at 3:45, right? So I do what any awesome parent would do at 3:45am: medicate. A little whiskey Tylenol and she’s back in bed.

5:50 am: The Nibbit who, unlike his sister, is SUPER STEALTH at night, sneaks up to my face and in the loudest possible whisper voice he says, “MOM! HEY MOM! I have to go real poopy RIGHT NOW.” Not fake poopy, mind you, but the real stuff.

Me <after I climb back into my skin that I have jumped out of>: OK. Go.
Me: OK, I’ll be there in a minute.
Nibbit: You should come now before you fall back asleep and then I’ll have to yell your name like <yells> “MOMMY! MOMMY!” and you’ll get mad because you don’t like when we yell before the 6.

I felt oddly proud of him at that moment. But also furious because if a kid has to poop before 6:00am, he REALLY should LEARN TO DO IT HIMSELF.

6:00 am: Now he’s seen the 6, so I just hand him the iPad and settle him onto the bathroom rug. (That’s where they watch the iPad in the morning if the other one is still asleep in the bunk beds. Not downstairs on the comfy couch. Not in the Loud One’s room. The BATHMAT.

6:10 am: The Loud One comes running in and bless her heart, the girl just can’t manage a whisper. Her vocal chords just weren’t built that way. But she says in her lowest loud voice, “Where’s Happy Dude?”

Me (eyes closed again): Hopefully in his crib, still asleep.
LO: Can I go get him?
Me: Um, no. He’s still asleep.
LO: Can I go check?
Me: No. She tiptoes about as well as she whispers. Ballet was never going to be a career option for her.
LO: Where’s the Nibbit?
Me: Watching the iPad in the bathroom.

She runs away. Aaaand, she’s back.

LO: Isn’t it my turn with the orange iPad?

Now. Let me break here for a moment to explain an ongoing issue we have our house. Let me preface this by saying that I recognize the ABSURDITY of what I’m about to say and hope that you won’t repeat this story to anyone that is suffering from any REAL problems, like unemployment or a bad hair day.

We have two iPads in this house. The newer one has an orange cover and holds about ten movies and a whole boatload of TV shows. The older one has a black cover and only has about three movies and two TV shows on it. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT THREE MOVIES AND TWO TV SHOWS ARE NOT ENOUGH FOR MORNING VIEWING.

So they argue over who gets the orange iPad. Every. damn. morning.

They’re supposed to simply take turns. Except that every morning, they are each ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE that it is their turn to have the orange iPad. And I can never seem to remember whose turn it is and I keep forgetting to do something the night before to help me remember. So they argue.


Me: No. I’m pretty sure it’s Nibbit’s turn (I have no idea if this is true) but I think Happy Dude is awake now… you can go play with him.

6:25 am: The Loud One and the Happy Dude come running into my room and say, “Can we go downstairs and have cereal and waffles and watch Cars?”

Me: Yes, head downstairs, get some cereal, I’ll be down in a minute.

And I promptly fall back asleep.

6:50 am: They’re all in my room now, surrounding the bed, talking at the same time.

LO: Mommy, I finished my cereal. Can we have waffles now? Oh and I got Happy Dude juice but it spilled.
Nibbit: The orange iPad isn’t working. I think it’s bwoken. Can I have the bwack iPad now?
HD: Juice spill! Juice spill!
Nibbit: Maybe when I dwopped it, it bwoke?
HD: Juice spill! More juice pwease?
LO: Did you make the waffles yet? And can I do Perler beads now? Only one more day until the 100th Day of School!! Can we glue all my things down on that board now? Before school?
Nibbit: MOM, where is your phone? I can just use that because it has the Wego game on it and the bwack iPad doesn’t have the Wego game on it. The orange iPad has the Wego game but it’s bwoken.
LO: OH, guess what! I have a new tooth coming in the back of my mouth! I can see it!
HD: More juice pwease?

Guess it’s time to get out of bed.

And stay out of bed.

4 responses »

  1. Can TOTALLY relate to this and makes me feel soooo much better that I’m not alone! I am STILL telling husband that “I got up for about 2 years to nurse our kids. It’s your turn!”. I’m pretty sure I’ve hit the 2-year expiration (kids are 6 and 4), but for what it’s worth…get some rest, KMAC. HA!!

    • It is so true that misery loves company. If I have to be up at 3:45am talking about Cars 2, I really like knowing that there are many, many other parents up doing the same thing!!

  2. After nights (mornings) like that, the hubster & I like to brainstorm about all the fun ways we are going to wake our future teenagers up at 6am, 7am, 8am, on Saturdays and Sundays. It helps us get through the day.

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