Shut up. I know I usually post these on Fridays. And I know that “Tuesday Funnies” is not even alliterative. And yes, I DO think I can distract you by using big words.
Wow, you look sooooooo pulchritudinous today.
See? It works. You forgot it’s not Friday, right? (Don’t blame me if you forget to go to work or make your kid’s lunch tomorrow.)
Before I share, I hope everybody had a GREAT Thanksgiving. I enjoyed my day… although the Jimmy Fallon rendition of We Will Rock You during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (you HAVE to say the full title, right? Or Martha Stewart, Justin Beiber, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Lopez, Tommy Hilfiger, Sean Diddy Combs, Donald Trump, Mariah Carey and Taylor Swift all come after you?) still bugs me.
I would be able to get past the fact that there was a Les Paul Rock-n-Roll float and I can understand a little bit why the late-night talk show host was singing on top of it. But it would be REALLY GREAT if someone – ANYONE, really – could just explain the SONG SELECTION to me. We Will Rock You? I wasn’t sure if I was watching the parade or the beginning of a boxing match. I felt like I was back in my high school gymnasium right before the Big Game. Maybe I was just supposed to be getting REALLY PSYCHED for the Hello Kitty balloon? I don’t know.
You got gravy on yo’ face. You big disgrace.
Waving your marching band banner all over the place.
Why funnies today? Because I said so.
Let’s do it.
1. Jokes are by definition funny, no? No.
So, the Loud One received a joke book as a gift and has been really into it lately. Unfortunately, the humor (and reading level) is slightly above her ability. But she found ONE joke that she could read and understand so we’ve been hearing it a lot these past few weeks:
LO: Why do hummingbirds hum?
Me: I don’t know (lie). Why?
LO: Because they forget the words!
Me : HAHAHAHAHAH, SO FUNNY!
Me <in my head>: Please learn to read better so we can hear another joke.
Inevitably, her joke-telling reminds The Nibbit that he likes people to laugh at him as well, so he pulls out HIS “joke book,” (which is not really a joke book at all, but a book called Super Heroes Collection) and starts telling “jokes” like this:
Nibbit: Why is the Mommy King laughing?
Me: I don’t know, but I am definitely into the title Mommy King. Keep that up.
Nibbit: How does the Mommy King and the spider go with the sandwich?
Me: I don’t even know what to say to that.
Nibbit: Ah…. marker!
Nibbit: No…. ice!
Me: Are you feeling OK?
Nibbit: How does the Mommy King go in people’s heads?
Nibbit: NO! Gummy worms!
And then he collapses on the floor in laughter.
Are YOU collapsed on the floor in laughter? I didn’t think so. Welcome to my world.
2. What do YOU do at dinnertime?
We’ve been playing this game at dinnertime lately that’s sort of like 20 Questions only instead of a person, place or thing, the thinker has to think of a fruit or vegetable and instead of 20 questions, the guessers get three. It’s like “20 Questions Jr.”
So last night, I’m the thinker and I’ve picked “pear.” After asking several questions, the kids know that “it’s sort of round, it’s green and it stays in the fridge until eaten.”
Now they’re [supposed to be] ready to guess and here’s what we got:
Happy Dude: TRUCK! (We laugh. That’s his go-to guess for everything. He’s two. He doesn’t know any better.)
The Nibbit: I know! I know! WATER! (KJ and I laugh nervously. He doesn’t really think that, right?)
The Loud One: I know! CHEESE! (I put my head down on the table in defeat.)
KJ: Get Mensa on the phone.
Side note: Whenever we have our three answers, I gather everyone around so we can decide what we’re going to say before we say it out loud. Last night, the Nibbit wants to try that, so he says, “Loud One, come here, let’s cuddle up! Come on, cuddle up!”
(Get it? Instead of “HUDDLE up?” What can I say, he’s an affectionate team player.)
3. Sweets Grow on Trees in OUR Holiday World
We’re slowly starting to get into the holiday spirit around here – especially if by “getting into the holiday spirit,” you count “eating the box of chocolates you bought as a Christmas present for your neighbor.” The Loud One likes to listen to Christmas music and the Nibbit came with me to buy advent calendars the other day.
As we approached the door at Fresh Market, we saw this:
And the Nibbit said this:
Hey, look at those doughnut bushes!!”
Is that holiday spirit or what? I know what I’m asking Santa for this year.
4. Feliz Navi-Our Heavenly Father
Lastly, speaking of listening to Christmas music in the car, the Loud One and I heard Feliz Navidad the other day and had the following exchange:
LO: Oh, I know this song, especially because I know Spanish. (lie)
Me: Loud One, did you know that the singer of this song goes to our church?
Me: Yup. You’ve probably even seen him there before.
LO: WAIT. He goes to our church to LISTEN to God? Or … he IS God?
Apparently, she’s a HUGE Jose Feliciano fan.
Also? I want my CCD tuition back.