Friday Funnies

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That’s a terrible name, I know. I tried to do “Freaky Funny Friday,” but I can’t do a strike through in the title. WTF?? Anyway…

Remember that show “Kids say the Darndest Things?” Well, it’s TOTALLY true. They really do. And you know who else says funny things? Teenage girls on trains.

Here are a few things that made me laugh out loud this week. I’m not saying they’ll make YOU laugh, but that would just mean you have a terrible sense of humor.

Read on…

1. This one actually happened a couple of weeks ago, but I’m including it because it was funny and because it’s my blog and I’ll cheat if I want to.

I was on the train, heading into Grand Central, minding my own business (well, actually, that’s a lie… I was totally eavesdropping) when I overheard three teenage girls chatting about their babysitting jobs:

Girl 1: I, like, totally hate babysitting boys because I, like, have nothing in common with them, you know? At least with, like, the girls I can do arts and crafts and stuff.

Girl 2: I just, like, watch a lot of movies with them.

Girl 3: Oh my God, I babysit for this one girl, who is, like, SO WEIRD. She won’t even TALK to me. She only whispers in her Mom’s ear and then the Mom has to tell me what she said.

Girl 1: Oh my God, that’s so weird! How old is she??

Girl 3: I don’t know… I think, like, two?

Girl 2: Oh my God, what’s she going to do when she has to, like, go to college without her Mom???

Of course, I FRANTICALLY started typing this whole exchange into my phone so that I could relay it to KJ… and everybody else I know. Please note, there is ZERO exaggeration in the amount of “likes” or the number of “Oh my Gods.”

I really wanted to ask them for their names so that I could do the opposite of recommend them to everyone I know. But I didn’t.

OK, moving on.

2. The Loud One, the Nibbit and I went out to lunch this week to a local family BBQ place. With plates of beige in front of them, this conversation happened:

The Loud One: Mama, you should definitely work here because you’re a really good cooker.

Me [sputtering]: Ha! I’m not really, but thank you. What made you say that?

LO: Well, you make grilled cheese and French fries that are almost as good as these.

Me [thinking, Hmmm. OK, I’ll take that.]: Thanks!

The Nibbit: Actually Mommy, you should WIV (live) here. I wish I could wiv here.

Me: In this restaurant? Why would you want to live here?

The Nibbit: Because it has cool stuff wike (like) tables…. and food… and wadders (ladders)…

Me [thinking, Ladders? Where are there ladders?]

And I looked over to see something like this:

I could see how maybe a 3½ year old might think that a bunch of restaurant high chairs looked like a ladder.

I can also completely understand how it would be awesome to live in a place “…with tables… and food… and wadders.

 

3. I’m sure this same conversation happened in millions of households worldwide this week. While watching the girls gymnastics Olympics events, the Loud One felt inspired to “practice her backflips” on the couch.

LO: Watch me do my backflip!

Me: You don’t know how to do a backflip.

LO: That’s why I’m practicing.

Me: Well, if you really want to learn, I can sign you up for gymnastics. And then if you’re really good at it and you practice hard for a lot of years, maybe you can go to the Olympics.

LO: Do I have to wear that tight thing with the sleeves?

Me: You mean a leotard? Yes.

LO: Just to the classes or to the Olympics, too?

Me: Both. I’d have to check the rulebook, but I’m pretty sure it’s required at the Olympics.

LO: [pause] Nevermind.

Call me crazy, but I’m not sure she really has the dedication required to be an Olympic athlete. 

 

And last but not least…

4. This Goop newsletter from Gwyneth made me laugh out loud from Start. To. Finish. And not because she’s funny. Let’s just say Gwyneth and I have a different budget perspective when it comes to packing for a vacation.

 

OK, so now it’s time for you to share. This whole relationship (you know, between you and me) has been very one-sided up until now. It’s time to click on the comment section and add your two cents. Tell me something funny that made you laugh this week – maybe it was your kid, maybe it was your pet, maybe it was your Grandma, maybe it was that banker you saw bite it in midtown… all of these things –> very funny!

So spill it. Make me laugh. I dare you.

14 responses »

  1. why did you marry Daddy, you should have waited for me to marry you. What can you say to that! At a minimum it makes all the rubbish that long vacations bring go away…well maybe for a few hours anyway!

  2. Love the above BTW, especially the nibbit!
    So Our speech therapist came in the morning this week thinking my 4 yr old may listen and cooperate better in the am, therefore talk better. So within minutes of her arriving he said. “Nancy, if you don’t say fuck, then Santa will come”. The therapist simply looked at me and said, well looks like this is working, that was clear as a whistle. My husband and I are so proud…

  3. Ellie-isms (2 yrs): “No. Way.” “Mommy. Don’t even think about it.” “Are you serious?” “Ouch! I got a blister from being so rude!” “P U it smells like poopies in here. Daaaaaddy!” Me: “Ellie what do you want to be when you grow up?” Ellie: “Tanner.” (older brother). Just a few little funnies, wanted to support. But doesn’t even come close to Nicci’s – love it!

  4. Vanessa had her cast taken off yesterday and told everyone that ” her best friend is back to help her do everything again!!!” (Her leg was broke and had a hard time doing ALOT of things!!)

  5. Me to my 3rd yr. old son: You going poop on the potty today?
    3 yr. old: No, not today… I go in my pants…. mommy, you bootiful (“beautiful”).

    Really??!! How am I supposed to get angry at that??!!

  6. So my 5 year old daughter got to go to the pool today for daycare…she has NO IDEA how to swim so I asked her “do you want me to pack the life vest…or do you prefer the swimmies…or I can pack both?”

    Her response: Mom…what ever is going to keep me above water…

    Good point. You can have both.

  7. Piping in a little late – this morning, as I was getting some medicine for my 11 year old son because he had a stuffy nose, he told me that he had abdominal pains. I said “abdominal?” Then he replies that he didn’t know what it meant, just that it was a spelling word and he knew it went with pains!

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