TomKat Split: A Spoiler Retrospective

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I know I’m a little late to game with my thoughts on the TomKat split, but I needed that time to go digging through my archives (wow, that makes me sound like some badass museum curator or um… someone else that has archives) and formulate my thoughts.

For the two of you that don’t already know this, I used to write a celebrity gossip column for the New York Daily News that was a weekly roundup of all the major gossip magazines’ biggest stories. I started writing this – ahem – bit of editorial excellence as an email to my cousins and called it the “Us Weekly Spoilers & Observations” (hence the title of this post). At that time, Tom Cruise was a single guy, who had just broken up with Penelope Cruz. He wasn’t known to be quite as controlling or crazy as he is now. He hadn’t yet jumped the couch.

Over the course of the four years that I was writing about the gossip magazines, Tom and Kat(i)e were the subject of many-a-cover story. I dubbed him Tom McCrazy Cruisey and had a … bit of fun with him and yes, Scientology.

Awesome side note: I was once contacted by the President of the Church of Scientology in New York City and invited to come tour the Church as his guest. He said that based on what I was writing, I “clearly had the wrong impression about Scientology, which was no surprise given my source materials.” (I think Life & Style would have been REALLY offended by that, by the way.) I REALLY wanted to go but my Dad said no. He was afraid I would come home all zombied out and saying things like, “Scientology is Good. Us Weekly is Bad” in a weird robot voice. Sure, I was an adult who was able to make her own decisions, but to be honest, I was also a little scared that I would come home with the Crazy Eyes.

Anyway, I thought it would be fun to take a look back at some of the stories about them from the past few years and what I had to say about them.

Note: Some pieces have been edited for length. (I realize that you may not have all day to read this BS and I respect your time.) I didn’t change the jokes anywhere, even though there were some instances when I reeeeaaallllllly wanted to.  Oh and the comments following in italics are current.

MAY 2005

Cover Story: “Hot New Romance!” Perhaps winning the Most Predictable Cover Ever Award, it’s Tom & Katie!

To sum: he asks her out, she’s excited, who wouldn’t be (um, many, many women actually), she goes to meet him, her car was a mess, he sends people to clean it the next day, they eat sushi in a private jet (c’mon Tom, so cliche for a first date), he sends flowers, few more dates, getting really into it, go to Rome, snap, snap, snap, meet the kids, “she’s definitely falling for him.” 65% of people polled think this is a publicity stunt.

65% of people polled are smart.

Ew.

LATER MAY 2005

OK, did anyone see Tom Cruise on Oprah this week? I don’t even have the words. I was so embarrassed for him and even though she pretended to love him, I think Oprah was too. I mean he was jumping all over the place talking about his new love and doing the fist air-pumping thing. EW. And then when Katie came out and she mouthed “I love you” to him?? I was squirming in my seat.

Ah, the couch-jumping seen around the world. That whole scene still makes me uncomfortable. (PS. I’m pretty sure I meant “air fist-pumping.”)

 

JUNE 2005

I LOVE that Tom has hired a “handler” for Katie. What does that even mean? I think I want one, just so I can introduce it to people. “Dad, I’d like you to meet my handler.”

 

SEPTEMBER 2005

The actress about to be known as Kate Cruise plans on doing her own floral arrangements for their “big, big wedding.” Tom says, “The thing that I love about Kate is that she’s an artist.” I bet he also loves that she’s willing to sign a 10-year, $8 million dollar contract.

5-year… 10-year… whatever… I was SO CLOSE people!

 

OCTOBER 2005

Holy crap, all of a sudden Katie looks about eight months pregnant. No official word on the due date but I’m willing to bet Tom coordinated it with the second full moon of the spiritual month of the god of the red string… or something like that.

OK, seriously… the latest bizarro factoid about Scientology is that a woman must remain silent during childbirth because “verbal content” during birth can lead to “irrational fears later in life.”

Like my irrational fear of cults?

Omg, I had forgotten about all those crazy birthing stories that went on… can we get details about how Suri’s birth went down now? Was Kate silent or what? Is this on YouTube? Anyone?

 

FEBRUARY 2006

OK, so here’s what we know… the very well-reputed Life & Style Weekly is reporting that according to friends, Tom & Katie have decided to SPLIT!

Of course, the TomKat Kamp is all “deny deny deny” right now, a la Jess-n-Nick… and we all know how THAT turned out. I don’t know people, we can only hope and pray that our little Joey Potter has indeed come to her senses and realized no amount of money is worth living with that couch-jumping, alien-believing, anti-medication psychotic munchkin.

Hey, Life & Style got something right! Too bad it was six years too early. Also, not sure why I spelled Kamp with a K. I was young.

 

MARCH 2006

Baby TomKat is reportedly a boy. Great. Just what this world needs… another Mini Tom. As if one of him wasn’t Mini enough.

Wrong.

 

NOVEMBER 2006

Ah, let’s all give thanks that the Wedding of the Century is finally over. Tom and Katie are married and we can all breathe a deep sigh of relief that the ceremony went off without a hitch. Nobody got hurt and nothing was abducted by the Mother Ship, which was surprising considering the number of Scientologists that were in attendance.

 

DECEMBER 2006: Year-End Awards:

The “Most Consistently Entertaining Couple” Award goes to…  TomKat! Simply put, the McCrazy Cruiseys never disappoint and for that, we thank them.

First, there was Katie’s odd pregnancy bump that seemed to grow – and mysteriously shrink – with each passing day. We had to ask… is she going to give birth to a baby or a 100% down-filled, king-size bed pillow?

But then came Suri. Or so we were told. There was no “photographic proof” of the baby. Add that fact to the sketchy birth certificate and the rumors flew that Suri either didn’t really exist or that she was just plain ugly. Several of the couple’s friends claimed to have met Suri, but the fact that they were all Scientologists made them a bit suspect. I had money on an alien abduction, but then the happy family appeared in Vanity Fair and I lost a small fortune.

Favorite TomKat moment: As much as I loved the whole “Her name is Kate now” bit, my favorite TomKat rumor of the year had to be the one about Tom demanding a “silent birth.” The visual of Katie with a giant pacifier easily takes the prize.

 

FEBRUARY 2007

TomKat partied at the Vanity Fair Post-Oscar bash and supposedly two of Katie’s ex-boyfriends – Chris Klein and Josh Jackson – were there. Of course, they both mysteriously disappeared at some point and McCrazy Cruisey was seen walking in the back door wearing black gloves but I’m sure that was just a coincidence.

 

AUGUST 2007

Oh man, while Suri is traveling around the world with TomKat, Isabella and Connor Cruise were shipped off to a Scientology camp in Oregon. How is THAT fair?

 

PRESENT DAY

Over the following few years, there were many reports of TomKat’s demise. The story was always the same – he’s too controlling, she doesn’t like Scientology, blah blah blah – but they were never true.

Until now. And while I feel bad for Suri (even though that kid has a way nicer wardrobe than I do… with way higher heels), I have to say that personally, I am kind of happy about this split for one simple reason.

Three words. Say it with me:

DAWSON’S. CREEK. REUNION.

 

YES.

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