Daily Monologue 2.0

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You may recall my post a few months ago about my daily monologue, here. Well, we spent last week at the Jersey Shore with the kids and, despite being exhausted and in desperate need of a post-vacation vacation, I’ve taken the time to document Daily Monologue 2.0: The Vacation Edition. (You are soooo welcome!)

It was like the Groundhog Day of Parenting down there… here’s what I said, over and over and over and over again for four days. (Was it really only four days? It felt like a helluva lot longer than that.)

No, we are not almost there.

No, we are not almost there.

No, we are not almost there.

[To self: Deep breath, you’re on vacation.]

Yes, we can go swimming today.

Yes, we can get ice cream today.

We’re getting closer! Watch the movie.

Shhhh, don’t wake Happy Dude… here’s a snack. (The arsenal of snacks I had at my disposal was seriously impressive. I was Prepared with a capital… well, yeah, you can see that.)

We’ll be there in ten minutes! (25)

We’ll be there in ten minutes! (15)

We’ll be there in ten minutes! (10!)

Stay close to me, this is a busy parking lot.

[To self: Deep breath, you’re on vacation.]

Yes, we can get ice cream today.

Lower your voices, this is a hotel.

Please don’t take your shoes off until we get to the room.

Please don’t press every button in the elevator.

One of you can press up, the other can press the floor.

One order of grilled cheese & fries, one order of chicken tenders & fries (Four days x two meals a day = Lots of the beige food group. )

Yes, we can go swimming now.

Find your bathing suit.

Yes, you need a bathing suit.

He needs a swim diaper.

Oooh, he pooped. He needs a new swim diaper.

You all need sunblock.

Close your eyes.

Stand still.

Look up.

Hold your hair back.

Turn around.

Stand still.

No, you’re not done.

Don’t rub!

[To self: Deep breath, you’re on vacation.]

Yes, we can get ice cream today.

Yes, we’re going swimming right now.

We’re almost ready.

Do you have your swim vest?

Do you have your goggles?

Don’t run in the halls.

Please lower your voices, this is a hotel.

One of you can press up, the other can press the floor.

No running by the pool!

Be careful, it’s slippery.

Be careful, it’s hot.

If you don’t stop, that lifeguard is going to yell at you. (This may or may not have been true… sue me.)

 [To self: Deep breath, you’re on vacation.]

You DO need my help.

That’s not called swimming, that’s called DROWNING.*

No, I do not want to see where all that sand went.

No, I do not want to see another dead crab.

No, I do not want you to put sand in my hair.

Yes, we can get ice cream today.

Please lower your voices… aw hell, we’re on the beach in Jersey, be as loud as you want. You can’t possibly compete.

Hey! I have an idea… how about some down time? (Never.)

Yes, we can get ice cream right now.

The stroller is for the Happy Dude.

Please get out of the stroller.

I’m glad you’re tired; maybe you’ll sleep later than 6:00am. (She won’t.)

I’m sorry your belly hurts; maybe you’ll stop eating so many French fries. (She won’t.)

No, you can’t have any more ice cream.

No, we are done swimming for the day.

No, swimming in the pool does not count as a bath.

Yes, you are all going to sleep in the same room.

IF YOU WAKE UP FIRST, DO NOT WAKE ANYONE ELSE UP. (Right, like THAT worked.)

[To self: Deep breath, you’re on vacation]

Go to sleep.

Go back to sleep.

It’s really late, go back to sleep.

Get back in your bed.

Go back to sleep.

It’s really early, go back to sleep.

No, it’s 6:15am, we cannot go swimming yet.

Yes, we can have ice cream today. Later.

Yes, later.

Yes, later.

Yes, later.

Sunblock time!

We have a love-hate relationship.

———————————————————

*The Nibbit is 100% confident is his ability to swim and does not want any help whatsoever. He likes to take off his swim vest and jump in without telling anyone what he is doing. He is sure he can do it. He is sure he’ll be OK. He is a GREAT swimmer. He will tell you this again and again.

After he jumps, he will flail in the water, treading frantically and rapidly sinking until someone grabs him and pulls him up. He will then look at you with his giant, round eyes and say… “See? Told ya I could swim.”

5 responses »

  1. Sounds so familiar, even though it was eons ago. Some things never change. And I hope they never will. Best time of your lives!

  2. Kris, I was laughing the entire time I read this – I mean, down to the elevator buttons, it is all of my vacations. Although, we also have to take turns who puts the card key into the lock at the hotel. However, this summer I had a new one because while on the beach I was reading a magazine (okay, only for about 5 minutes max at a time because I was building sandcastles and stopping my 4 year old from drowning in the ocean) but I happened to read an article about what ingredients you absolutely do NOT want to have in ANY sun block because they cause CANCER. So I look at the three sun blocks that I brought (which are all sensitive, baby, all natural, gentle, etc) and they ALL have the ingredients in them. So I felt like such a good parent consistently covering my children with this during vacation, only to find that I’m giving them cancer.

    • NOOOO… please don’t tell me this. Sunblock is seriously out to ruin our lives. I mean, c’mon… we didn’t use it and we’re all sort of fine, right??

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