Us Weekly Spoilers (they’re baaaaack…)

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After years of being unhealthily addicted to gossip magazines, I can proudly say that I have tamed the obsession and no longer read six different versions of the same weekly made-up Jen and Brangelina feud.

Now I just read one.

So for old time’s sake… here are some “Us Weekly” Spoilers. Although this is last week’s issue, so I doubt I’m actually spoiling anything. Also, I am seriously rusty. The sarcastic barbs don’t roll off my tongue quite as easily as they used to. This is not OK. I promise to get back in the game. (Look out “In Touch,” I’m coming for you.)

Here we go…

– After 16 1/2 months of pregnancy, Jessica Simpson finally had her baby. It’s a girl. She named her Maxwell. The kids at school are going to call her Maxi Pad and make fun of her. Mostly because of her name, but also because they’re going to watch old episodes of “The Newlyweds” and well, there’s a lot of material there that’s waaay better than “Maxi Pad.”

Side note: I would tell you more about her “First Days as a New Mom” but I couldn’t force myself past to read past the first paragraph of this article. Maybe because it started with this: “Nestled into a comfy white armchair beneath a sparkling crystal chandelier in her jewel box of a nursery…” Blah blah blah blah blah.

– Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are pretty serious. I wonder if she keeps trying to break up with him, but he keeps interrupting her “It’s not you, it’s me” speech.

– In the most dramatic rose ceremony yet, the guy who hosts “The Bachelor” is getting divorced after 18 years of marriage. It’s good to see that publicists haven’t updated their material at all after all these years. Another divorcing couple whose “love and mutual respect remain.” I have an idea then… STAY MARRIED.

– Why is the celeb column “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” always a list of “25 Things I Could Not Care Less About?” Taye Diggs failed chemistry and loves apple juice? C’mon. How about something like “Taye Diggs loves Oxycontin.” That’d be way better.

– Mark Ruffalo said, “If you’re not yelling at your kids, you’re just not spending enough time with them.” LOVE. HIM. (I’ve actually always loved him… ever since he starred in that Oscar-winning classic, “13 Going On 30.”)

– Every time I see a picture of Stacy Keibler, I can’t help but think, “Really George? Her?”

– Every time I see a picture of Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively, I can’t help but think, “Really Ryan? Not me?”

– There are so many things wrong with this:

What to the whaaat now?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

– Dear Eddie Cibrian & LeAnn Rimes, Please go away. You’re gross. xoxo, Me.

– Hey, it’s a picture of Larry Birkhead and Anne-Nicole Smith’s kid!! Hello? Oh, 2006 Us Weekly just called… it wants its cover photo back. (I know, I should send this joke back with it.)

– Guess what… Helen Hunt is still alive!

– It’s funny to me that Olivia Wilde is so famous now. I remember when she was just Mischa Barton’s lesbian lover on “The OC.” Um, I mean, I HEARD about that… it’s not like I actually watched “The OC” or anything.

– When I first saw the ad for the new reality show called, “Mrs. Eastwood & Company,” I made a joke about it being Clint’s wife. Turns out, it IS Clint’s wife. I don’t want to set feminism back a few decades or anything, but is he really allowing her to do this?

– Oh, Lea Michele is “Just Like Us” this week for … wait for it… taking out her garbage! In stilettos! (Like we don’t all do that. Puh-lease.)

– Every year we see a zillion pictures of what everyone wears to the Costume Institute Ball (or the “Met Ball”). But what actually happens there? Do people like Gwyneth Paltrow, Jessica Biel and Beyonce’ just put on an age-inappropriate outfits, walk up that steep staircase with the red carpet and then slip out a back door and go home? This is such a mystery to me.

– Does Kristen Stewart have a stylist? Just wondering.

– Matthew Fox was arrested for DWI. Ever since his hit TV show ended, that guy has seemed a little … Lost. (I know, I know… I’m sorry.)

– “Rapper Wiz Khalifa was ticketed for marijuana possession while on tour…” Oh my, this is SHOCKING. Who’s next, Willie Nelson??

* There are a lot of people in this issue of whom I’ve never heard. (People whom I have never heard of? People I don’t know? Whatever.) Most of them are either Tween Stars, from reality TV that I don’t watch (like “The Bachelor/ette” franchise or “Teen Mom”) or the very foreign world of Country Music.

  • Lisa Vanderpump (she’s a Housewife of Some City, but Not Jersey because she doesn’t have enough AWESOME)
  • Angelea Preston
  • Ariana Grande
  • Jillian Harris
  • Jake Owen & Lacey Buchanan. But the good news is, they got married! Yea for them!
  • Peyton Wright & Chris Lambton. Also married I’m sure these couples will remain in love and have a mutual respect for each other FOREVER.
  • Jenelle Evans
  • Ashton Kutcher (OK, that’s just wishful thinking.)
Also, Christina Aguilera and Adam Levine are feuding on “The Voice.” It’s probably about whose spinny chair goes faster. Melissa Gorga and Teresa Giudice are also feuding. Probably about… well, hair spray, of course.

 

Signing off with a quote,

“Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.” – Miguel Angel Ruiz

Fifty bucks says Miguel Angel Ruiz has no friends.

 

5 responses »

  1. Now I know I’m old…..my niece doesn’t recognize people in a gossip magazine. Did I mention the only one I know (from your article) is Clint Eastwood and I don’t even know who his “Mrs.” is!!!!

  2. Okay I laughed but then I got to the quote and comment at the end and I roared. And then I read it to T and there was a belly laugh I wish you had been here to hear.

  3. You are too funny! You made me laugh. I loved it! By the way, every time I read those magazines, i am not familiar with too many of the stars either. I miss the oldies. Where are they now??

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