Valentine’s Day Vows

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In the past few weeks, you’ve heard a lot of complaining from me. To read this blog, you’d think I had monster kids and a very stressful life. But that’s totally NOT true… my life isn’t that stressful and my kids are only three-quarter-parts-monster.

But today, in honor of Valentine’s Day, I’ve decided to post with a different spin. This one is all about love. And rainbows. And unicorns. And only a little about pigs. So, let’s get our mush on. (omg, that was SO BAD. I’m sorry.)

So here’s the deal… Valentine’s Day has never been a big deal between my husband and myself. We usually trade cards – he writes something nice, I usually include some reference to beer. We order sushi for dinner instead of pizza. Maybe we see a movie together instead of our typical date night, which as I’ve mentioned before, is driving to the theater together and then seeing separate movies because we can’t agree on what to see.*

*Last time we went to the movies – I saw “The Descendents,” he saw, “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” – I sat next to a couple and proceeded to talk to the woman for 20 minutes (yup, I crashed somebody else’s date) about how awful teenagers and how parenting only gets harder and harder. Good times.

But this year, in addition to the beer card, I’m going to make a public effort to let him know how much I appreciate him. Because he’s awesome and – this may come as a total shock to all of you – I’m not ALWAYS super-easy to live with. I know, I know… you can’t believe it, there’s no way that’s true, it couldn’t possibly be, go on… But honestly, on occasion, I can be a bit… difficult.

So as my Valentine’s Day present to my not-quite-better-but-definitely-equal-half, I’m going to publicly confess to my biggest relationship flaws and offer him some Valentine’s Vows on how I resolve to be better. Here goes:

Flaw: Uber-promptness. In my world, if we’re not ten minutes early, we’re late. This translates to leaving super-early for everything and then usually having way too much time to kill on the other end. But what if we get a flat tire? Or get lost? Or have to deal with a poop explosion where we have to hose down a kid, burn all the clothes and disinfect the entire car?

Valentine’s Vow: I will always want to leave earlier than you, BUT I vow not to stand at the door, tapping my toes, sighing heavily, staring at my watch, while you lackadaisically walk around the house making sure every window is locked and every appliance is unplugged. I also vow to secretly set all of your watches and clocks ahead by ten minutes.

Flaw: Snippiness. Whatever.

Valentine’s Vow: Ask a stupid question, get a snippy answ… I’m sorry. That was snippy and so NOT in the spirit of love. Let me rephrase: I promise to try to tolerate your unnecessary questions better.

Flaw: I’m not always so affectionate. I grew up surrounded by a warm, loving Italian family – we hugged and kissed upon arrival, before departure and when the baked ziti was put on the table. But then I had three kids. And they are physically ON me ALL. THE. TIME. So I’m not always as open to displays of affection as I should be.

Valentine’s Vow: I will not squirm when you hug me anymore.

Flaw: I have a hard time letting things go after we argue. Like that time, five years ago, when you told me that … nevermind.

Valentine’s Vow: I’ll try to keep a 24-hour limit on my brooding. That’s going to be hard for me. I’m not making any promises.

Side note: People who say “never go to bed angry” are bullshit. For me, it’s more like “never go into the next month angry.”

So there you have it, in a very public forum (granted, not read by that many people) I have confessed to my biggest relationship sins. I apologize for them and I vow to try to be better at this whole “wife thing.”

KJ – for the 17 years I have known you, you have been the sun to my days and the moon to my … BWAH HA HA HA! Kidding. But I am glad that you are the guy I get to give beer cards to on Valentine’s Day. Hugs and kisses. (See, I’m better already! Virtual hugs and kisses are better than none, am I right?)

Happy Valentine’s Day, people. Bye.

A long PS. A few days ago, I asked C. to tell me about something she loves. She said, “Oh that’s easy… I love puppies and dogs. Especially Huskies. And presents. And Disney World and that Disney on Ice show we saw. And butterflies. And bugs. And Mommy. And Daddy.”

Seriously? Puppies and dogs, especially Huskies, presents, Disney World and that Disney on Ice show we saw, butterflies and bugs are all higher on the list than ME?? The woman who birthed you and caters to your every whim?? Huh. Well, at least I can say, suck it Daddy. She may like bugs better than me, but at least she likes me more than you.

(Wow, again, NOT very Valentinesy… I’m sorry KJ. I didn’t mean to tell you to suck it. I’m sure she loves us equally.)

(Wow, that wasn’t very honest… I’m sorry KJ. I didn’t mean to blatantly lie to you.)

So, THEN I said, “Tell me about something you do NOT love.” She thought and thought and thought and in my head, I’m thinking (Wow, I can think of a million things I do not like – traffic, hangovers, black coffee, temper tantrums, moving wet clothes from the washer to the dryer, social events where I don’t know anyone, cilantro, checking the mail only to find it hasn’t arrived yet, gyno visits, stubbing my toe, exercise, snowstorms, tablespoons, weeding, filling ice trays, pumping gas, blow-drying my hair, putting sunblock on the kids… I could go on and on) and she finally says, “Oh I know. PIGS.”

Pigs?

“Not the cute piglet kind but like the grown-up pigs. Those are not cute.”

Well, at least she’s clear on that.

KJ would never give me this card.

8 responses »

  1. I love your posts!!!! They were sent to me by Danette (I’m her personal photographer..lol) 🙂
    I have sent this on to many of my friends to read because they are hysterical and exactly what I need to read!! We all think like this, but you have the gift of being able to right it so perfectly! 🙂

  2. I laughed and laughed and still have a smile on my face. It’s like you can read my mind! Happy Valentines day…beer, pigs and all!!

  3. Thanks for the real good, out-loud-belly-laugh! I’d swear that I wrote this myself about me…right down to the cilantro! Hmmm…I guess I AM flawed
    Have a great Valentine’s Day, and yes, we too plan to have take out sushi tonight!

  4. i feel like i kinda wrote that one. like ghost writing or something. except for the lateness thing of course.

  5. yes, I am positive whoever said “don’t ever go to bed angry” was not married. Better to just finally shut up and go to sleep mad then commit murder. You may have a good idea with the 24 hour limit on brooding. I may even give that a spin.

  6. That was a heartfelt valentine…never find the like in a Hallmark card.
    I do not know who is the luckier (more lucky?)…you or KJ.
    I know…it is C., D., and G.!

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