No, this post isn’t about me feeling bad about my parenting skills. (What do I have to feel bad about anyway? My kids are sitting happily on the couch RIGHT NOW watching TV and chewing tobacco. I’m joking… they’re just eating their dinner. Frozen pizza. That’s still frozen. But enough about my kids and back to me.)
I woke up this morning thinking I would do a Pop Culture Roundup post, but there isn’t really that much going on in Hollywood gossip right now. Sure jLo’s dating a teenager and Ellen’s taking on One Million Crazy Moms, but the biggest story – the Demi Moore breakdown – is already, um… old and tired. (I know, too easy.)
But while I was surfing around the gossip sites working (that’s what I call this now), I came across some photos from last year’s Victoria Secret’s televised runway show and had an instant realization: there are some things in life that were invented/designed/created/destined simply to make the rest of us feel completely and totally inferior. I mean, first of all, look at those chicks. Second of all, half of them are like, “I just had a baby six minutes ago! And he’s reading already!”
So that, of course, inspired me to make a list. A list of some other things that exist in our world that are guaranteed to make normal people feel like crap.
- Real Simple Magazine – Sure it is. “Real Unrealistic” is more like it.
- Any reality show where the people have talent like “Project Runway” or “Top Chef”
- The Olympics – The athletes are so dedicated and talented; it’s so annoying.
- Museums – This one needs no explanation.
- Eckhart Tolle – This one I couldn’t explain even if I wanted to because I don’t understand a word that he says.
- Hostess with the Mostess blog – Are these real people or experimental government robots?
- The Container Store – I love it, but it makes you believe you’ll never have a toy on your floor again. Not true.
- Many vendors on Etsy – That’s homemade? Seriously?
- Natalie Portman – Scares me.
- Those 26.2 stickers some people put on their car to show they ran a marathon – Show-offs
Side note: The “My kid’s on the honor roll” is one of the few examples of something that’s designed to make us feel inferior but actually works in reverse because you know better than to actually put one of those stickers on your car.
- Women’s athletic apparel catalogs*
*This last category actually deserves further explanation.
Let’s see, first we have Athleta, who’s tagline is “Power to the She.” What the hell does that even mean? I get it, female empowerment and all that blah blah blah, but I’ve never known a sports bra to make me feel like I can kick ass. That’s what alcohol is for. Duh.
And those ads? “Get up. Go. Run. Breathe. Work it out. Stretch it out. Get out there. Amaze the world. And look amazing.”
Geez Louise. Mine would read more like this: “Get up. Cry. Yell. Snap. Procrastinate. Eat. Drive. Complain. Drink. Laugh at people. And try not to scare people with how you look.”
Then, there’s Title Nine with their “real” models who are all like, “I’m Pippa. I’ve hiked around the world… literally. And I invented air.” Actually, let me share with you some real examples, straight from their website:
Meet Ashley. What does she do for a living? She “works on an organic farm.” (Of course she does.) She unwinds by “surfing and hiking with my dog” (noooo treadmill for Ashley). As for “what winds her up?” (their question, not mine) she answers, “sunny days and snowstorms.” So, if it’s rainy, look out for Ashley… she’s going to be CRANKY.
Meet Caitlin. She unwinds by “mushroom hunting.” No words.
And lastly, we have Kula. Her favorite dessert is lilikoi ice cream. (Passionfruit for the uninformed.) I hate this answer. Passionfruit ice cream isn’t a dessert; it’s a palate cleanser. And what’s Kula’s next planned adventure? Well, she thinks “adventures are better unplanned.” Blech.
On the other hand, there are also things that are pretty guaranteed to make us feel superior. So, if you need a boost, check out one of the following:
“Hoarders,” “Cops,” “Teen Mom,” “Intervention,” the moms on “Toddlers & Tiaras,” “Jerry Springer,” any beauty pagent and that one random Etsy vendor selling bottle cap picture frames.
Have a great weekend. Bye.